LOVE HOROSCOPE: Seeing stars for the week of July 28th

Em and Lo
Getty Images
Getty Images


aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)


Don't sit home alone this week. Even more importantly, don't sit home alone and watch Home Alone this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It's major decision time this week, so dig a little deeper than usual. This decision may change the rest of your life (or at least the rest of your summer), so try not to base your choice on fleeting factors, like six-packs and six-pack abs. Get a spine and make the grown-up choice, ya big wuss.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don't push too hard for what you want or think you deserve. Step back and let whomever you're interested in come to you. If he or she doesn't, it's for the best. How do we know all this? We hear voices.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week, your sex drive and your sexual opportunities will be completely in sync. Don't you just love it when that happens?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
There's a reason why they call it "spoiled for choice": Too many hotties to choose from and you start to get all picky about ankle size, hair length, where they went to school, and what their favorite Burger King meal special is. While you've got such a selection to work with, you might want to consider factoring IQ into the equation, too. Just a thought.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
There must be some kind of planet alignment going on that's particularly conducive to positive sexual energy this week, as it seems a good number of signs are gearing up for action right now, including you, Virgo. Don't ruin it by thinking or talking too much. Instead, let your animalistic tendencies rise to the surface and lead the way to sexual surprises. Farm animal noises are encouraged.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The stars want to warn you that "emotional issues are likely to arise" during sex this week. Why do people get so damn involved when it comes to sex? It's just a little intimate exchange of bodily parts (and perhaps fluids), sweaty limbs writhing against each other, maybe some deep eye contact, perhaps a mind-blowing mutual orgasm, and perchance a little spooning afterwards, too. Yeah, we don't get it either.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Be careful: You're likely to feel a little under the weather this week, which means a lowered immune system. Stay away from lovers who may have something contagious. And we're not just talking colds here. Did you know that HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection in the United States, with an estimated 75 percent of sexually active people exposed to an HPV infection at some point in their lives, whether they know it or not? Instead of hooking up this week, why not you give yourself a little sex-ed refresher course.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Hey Sag, if you want us to give you this week's horoscope, you're gonna have to slow down for a second: we can't keep up! (Give us a break; we're out of shape.) But don't slow down for anyone else! If someone can keep pace with you in conversation, on the dance floor and around town, just imagine what they can do in the bedroom!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, attend one of the following, whichever one suits your fancy most: an art opening, a play in a park with an intermission (musicals do not count), a book reading, an outdoor concert. Here is your mission: at whichever one you decide to attend, you must attempt small talk with at least one hottie. Your chances of meeting someone with half a brain and a common interest are high. If you've already got something in the works, then go to one of the above with that lucky duck--it will give you something to talk about before you go off and have crazy art-inspired sex!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We can't speak for every Aqua out there (we know, we know, your world is crumbling, but come on people, let's be realistic), however, we can say that some of you will be poised and ready to be hit upside the head with the Big T.L. this week. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, true love. Just be your high-energy, outgoing self, don't screw it up and everything you've ever really wanted romantically could finally be yours this week. No pressure.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Did you think we hadn't noticed the way you've been rubbing up against your desk? You're hornier than that unicorn they found in Italy (get it? it had a horn...?). But be careful; people talk. Walls have ears. And, you know, it really is a very lovely desk.

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