On Love and Psychos

When is that moment when we lose our minds over someone? Are we absolutely conscious of it or does it just sneak right in, causing us to behave in ways that we never would have if we were thinking clearly?

I am guilty of this as I am sure everyone has been at one time or another in their lives. However, I try not to be for the most part what most would call, "Psycho". I am pretty good most of the time in controlling those awful impulses to say and do what immediately comes to mind when you feel you may be losing someone or something.

I am not a drunken texter or dialer though I am one to definitely think of it-of everything I want to say or do to that person. There are times when I would love to make a list of everything that has bothered me and every grievance I never voiced aloud. It is a battle within me to not allow the inner "Psycho" to lash out. I don't even think it is a matter of having control, but more the thought of knowing how bad I would feel later-no matter how good I might feel to unleash it all in a moment of hurt or anger.

I learned this lesson early on. In high school really, when a boy I loved had broken up with me and I sent him letter after letter telling him how I really felt-the good and the bad. And I remember too, the humiliation I felt later-after I was thinking clearly, to tell someone who no longer cared for me the workings of my inner soul. I was lucky. He was kind and never mentioned the letters and he thankfully never showed them to anyone else. I am sure I made him horribly uncomfortable. I wonder now if he cringed when he read my words and my feelings splayed out on white lined paper, baring every heartache and hurt I could possibly put into words. I am embarrassed now-so many, many years later. Lessons are sometimes learned the first time.

I think about that time in my life each time when I am hurt now. Each time I am desperate to air my heartache to whoever caused it. I stop myself. I sometimes come as close to dial a number but hang up before hitting call. I even write out lengthy texts or emails and by the time I'm done writing every painful thought, I hit delete. I am blessed that I am long winded, because I think that by the time I am done writing, it gives me time to change my mind and regain my sanity-at least for a long enough moment to erase it before I cause myself further damage.

Sometimes, we think that if we just told someone who has turned from us, how we really feel, or if we spewed or heartache, or even if we just called them a long list of nasty names we would feel better. We don't. We are mistaken to even think it matters. When we expose our inner souls to those who have moved past us, we forget-they have moved on and they are not looking back.

We need to tell those "Psycho" voices to shut up, before we allow someone who has gone out of our lives our most precious thoughts.

Monika M. Basile