Love, Sex & Pink Slips (not the lacy kind)

Liz Brody

You know "the three words"? The ones that can re-spin a whole relationship?

Sorry, Cupid. They're not, "I love you." Let's try, "I got fired."

I don't need to tell you that unemployment is hardly an aphrodisiac. Rat poison to romance is more like it. And talk of recovery is a bad joke for the 15 million Americans still out of work, along with their mates. InNevada, which has the second highest unemploymentrate in the country (13.2 percent),Gerald Weeks, PhD, at the University of Nevada has launched a program that specially helps partners struggling with job loss(check out a video). In fact "couples unemployment counseling" may be the next therapy trend.

I could use the advice. Just this morning as I left for the office, I looked back to see my newly let-go partner standing in the door barefoot and unshaven. "What?" I asked. "What?" Finally, he goes, "It's just that I hate seeing you go to work while I'm stuck here holding the vacuum." I kind of know what he means. Six months ago I was fired myself.



5 WAYS TO STAY TOGETHER WHILE FALLING APART(A few ideas I found particularly helpful)
1. Eat Eggs: Whether it's you or your partner who gets the ax, losing your job is like a head-on collision. Dominique Browning, editor ofHouse & Gardenjust wanted to stuff herself after her magazine was shut down on her. Eggs in particular. "I ate eggs all day long," she writes in her new book, Slow Love. "When I had a job, I never thought about eggs." For me, all I thought about was walking-over bridges, through boroughs, down the enitre length of Manhattan past all the stores I could no longer shop in. Each person is different, but most of us are shocked. And most of us go through real grief. Honor it.

2. It's not his problem: "This is not just loss for one person; it affects both," says Weeks. "And you will recover more quickly if you do it together." When he's the one holding the pink slip, it's not simply agood idea to make him talk; it'simperative:How's he feeling? Will the power shift between you? What about your finances (hard numbers, please)? Use a crowbar, Johnny Walker Blue, whatever it takes."The more you don't, the more it impacts his abilitity to get out there again," says Barbara Cohen-Hon, a senior career consultant with Mullin & Associates, a global outplacement firm. "Because if the pressure builds up inside him, he's going to feel more desparate. And he's not going to be at his best in an interview."

3. It's not YOUR problem: Soyou'vegotten the slip. If you're anything like me, you might as well be walking around with a blinking scarlet F on your chest-failure, fired, fat (by now). It's easy to retreat into yourself because you feel like he doesn't understand. And he probably doesn't. But keeping it all to yourself creates distance. He pulls away, you feel needy, he pulls away more, you resent him...

4. What the sex? Chances are, says Weeks, you're not going to be all over each other. "Just increase the affection to stay physically connected," he advises. It can't hurt to tell your man he's still hot without a paycheck (even if the vacuuming look doesn't exactly drive you wild.) And if you're canned? Exercise can be a real godsend, or goddess-send. You start feeling better about your body, and gain a sense of control-and that's a first step to getting back on your feet.
5. Best Investment. In the thick of it all, we often forget to ask: What's more valuable-the job or our relationship? David Brooks recently did a nice write-up on happiness research in theNew York Times."If you have a successful marriage, it doesn't matter how many professional setbacks you endure, you will be reasonably happy. If you have an unsuccessful marriage, it doesn't matter how many career triumphs you record, you will remain significantly unfulfilled." Cohen-Hon points out that a job loss can actually help couples set their priorities straight: "You have more time to be together and to connect," she says. "Sometimes getting fired turns out to be the greatest opportunity."



Have you and your guy gone through this? Got any tips to share?

 To read more about sex, love, and unemployment, check out:

How to discuss money without killing each other
Getting back on track if you've been fired
What the unemployment numbers really mean