Love Thy Frenemy

Shhhhh!!!!

If honesty and openness upset you, click the "back" button on your screen now. What you're about to read is pure, 100% unadulterated truth about dating.

Disclaimer: I've promised myself I wouldn't post on here anymore because of all the negative energy that is channeled through this site, but this one is for kicks. I've grown a thick skin for trolls and unhelpful comments. And yes, I fight tenaciously to protect my fellow Shine friends when they're on their personal journey and use this platform to share their joys, success or disappointments. It's called "empathy." More people should look at ways to practice it.

I recently read an article that talked about the opposite of "nice guys" that many men claim to be. To be short, some men use what they call "being nice" to win points with women who aren't sexually attracted to them. When their method of brown-nosing and doing grunt-like favors don't work, they lament in anguish with counter-offensive attacks on women by saying things like, "Women don't want to be with 'nice guys.' They all want jerks!" No, fellas. They (we) like nice guys, but we prefer a guy with personality, something that draws us in, magnetically. And no, being a "jerk" is not the "it" factor.

Try hitting a woman on your first date and see how long she'll stick around.

So, in the article that focused on the female version of "nice guys," they called these women "girlfriend-zoned." In essence, it's like the role of a woman in a "friends with benefits" or booty-call territory with a guy who has no intention of becoming emotionally involved or committed but will use her for sex.

See, guys: we get "friend-zoned," too, only we lose a part of our most intimate, private parts to learn this reality. And most of us don't whine endlessly about it. Or maybe I do... a bit.

So then I thought about the term "girlfriend." (And no, I don't "need a man" like some of the harsh critics on here have said. I'm just a very affectionate person and miss a good touch. But I'd prefer to have a best friend to share my joys with, too. So shoot me.) And since I bring up a line that actress Sally Field made famous, I recall her Academy Award acceptance speech in which she's remembered for uttering, "You like me. You really like me!"

I've been having the "anti-Sally Field moment."

Instead of feeling the love, I hear myself thinking about men I've come in contact with lately, "They don't like me. They really don't like me." Why else would I get the hot and cold reaction of a full-blown act of attraction followed by the dropped ball of silence days on end? Here I am the relationship and dating "expert" (or in the making) who uses her research and experience to give tips on loving one's self and finding your self worth when it comes to dating. But do you know what the hot and cold act does to your self-esteem? It makes you second-guess if you're really worthy of the kind of love you keep hearing about and striving for.

If you found a gold coin in the riverbed, would you toss it back into the water hoping to find the diamond washing up on shore?

Many times I've found myself thinking (believing) dating is a form of insanity. I think I have it all figured out one second and then jump over into the next gate where nothing makes sense. Even my coworkers are such kind, caring souls that they've started offering tips on where to find better men (I really don't see myself joining the "yacht club," Jason, but thanks for the tip!).

That part about "girl-friend-zone?" What is a girlfriend? I haven't had a guy call me that in, well, I don't remember. Even the guys who call me up when they need a touch would probably not even introduce me as a "friend." What does that make me... an acquaintance? I don't know what I'm considered but at this point, even a friend would be an upgrade.

Don't assume anything. I've been sucking it up (not literally) as a single woman lately.

On a positive note, my FWB/booty-caller is a nice guy. I was a born-again-virgin for too long and he heard the calling. But in a strange way, the reason we enjoyed our time together so much is because we don't expect anything to come of "us." He very kindly said that I would find love. Appreciatively, I thanked him for his ability to notice my good qualities, but in the same breath, our conversation was laced with the awareness that there would never be a "we" beyond the kind of moment we were in.

Love is my frenemy.

As much as I've always loved being in love, falling in love and showing my love, it's become quite a hindrance to me. (Friend + enemy = frenemy). I wish I could shake my insatiable need to find love and to be connected. Oh, on a positive note: I've grown enough to separate sex and love. My FWB was just a good round of routine maintenance for the plumbing. No need to mix emotions into our basic, instinctual need for touch, sex, and physical connection.

Love is something more. It's funny, too, that you can "love" something that you can't tangibly hold, yet it can inspire you to keep going on, despite your personal setbacks. I guess the best kind of love is that feeling of being empowered that you are more than what you believe yourself to be. Yes, that's what I want.

Not the pearl earrings. Not the iPhone. Not the hard body. Not the hit it and quit it guy who sees the opportunity and not the value of the gem in which he comes in contact with. I want the guy who sees in me what I don't even fathom myself.

For all you beautiful women out there feeling somewhat "invisible" and perhaps can relate to one or more of the emotions I've been going through, remember that it's not you. I know I'm completely "normal" in every aspect (even though I can be "Abby-normal" on many occasions) and yet I often feel invisible. It just reminds you that the one worth waiting for will not overlook you but jump at the opportunity to be with you. You won't be his "option" but his diamond in the rough, finally washed up on his shore.