What Your Lover Misses About the Younger You

What She Misses About The Younger YouWhat She Misses About The Younger You

People in long-term relationships and marriages, this one's for you. Take a moment to look back at those long-ago days when you first got together with your husband or wife. You were both younger, maybe you weighed less, maybe you had less grey hair. "He was hot back then!" you think to yourself, with satisfaction. "He's still hot," you remind yourself, acknowledging that he might not necessarily be hot in the same way, but still. What was it like back then? "We went out more," you recall. "We used to go out big! Remember that one birthday of mine? Holy sh*t, that was crazy. We ended up walking all the way home at dawn 'cause we couldn't find a cab. And I was barefoot because I got tired of walking in heels. SO MANY Jägerbombs that night, good God."

Ah, memories.

He has memories, too. Ever wonder what they're like? He remembers the same events as you do, but he probably remembers them a little differently. Sure, you've both changed. But there are things about the old you that he misses, and he's probably too shy to tell you about them. He might not even think about them very often. But as we all know, mind-reading is hard, so here's your cheat sheet.

You Wanted To Spend Time Together Before Anyone Else

In the early days of your relationship, time with your man was your top priority, because things were fresh and exciting. In terms of competing with your friends you won each other, every time. Years later, that is no longer true. It makes sense; you live together. You brush your teeth beside him every morning in the bathroom mirror. But there are times when he misses the feeling of being the person at the pinnacle of your social pyramid. For proof, just once make a show of blowing off an opportunity to hang out with your friends and ask him if he'd like to do something one-on-one. He will love it. You will have conjured the old you from the mists of time, and he will think you're a magician.

You Both Lectured Less

What, me lecture? Why The Kia Sportage Was A Wise And Cunning Purchase. Why Everyone Was Mad At Lance Armstrong For The Wrong Reasons. Why Vinyl Siding Is A Horrible Building Material For Your Geographic Region. Why Being An Eagles Fan Is Fundamentally Different Than Being A Falcons Fan, Parts 1 Through 4. "That's called talking!" you protest. Yes, it's you talking, and the other's listening. Or is he? Does it matter? Haha, that's a joke -- or course it matters! The difference between lecturing and conversing is that in a conversation, each person's point of view is sought and a friendly debate ensues. After a bunch of years together, you probably think you already know the other's opinion on most things. And maybe you do! But sometimes a mysterious thing happens over the course of a conversation, an alchemical reaction wherein someone's thoughts evolve and they say something unexpected -- it may surprise even them. As long as you're the only one talking, that's never going to happen. Ask for the other's opinion next time! Again, the old you, all hot and young, will appear before her eyes. He'll probably get flustered.

You Made Fewer Nighttime Noises

This one's pretty straightforward, and, unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do about it -- at least not that I know of. This is one of those times when you're both just going to have to suck it up, but it won't make you stop daydreaming about the days before you knew about the other definition of "Dutch oven."

You Weren't As Set In Your Ways

This category of longing-for-the-past casts a wide net. There are so many ways that we settle into ourselves, and why shouldn't we? Who would want to go through life like a fickle teenager, always grasping around for the next thing to get excited about? A person who's comfortable in his skin knows what he likes, right? Sure. He also allows himself to deviate from time to time, just to get the blood flowing a little bit. The fact is, your years of painstakingly accumulated and cataloged experience haven't actually given you the definitive opinion on anything. The several very underwhelming steaks you ate on your college trip to Argentina does not mean that Argentina is an overrated steak-grilling nation, and should not prevent you from agreeing to go on vacation there with your spouse someday. He may have fallen asleep during the third act of King Lear when you convinced him to see it with you a couple years ago, but that doesn't mean that he "hates plays." That time you got bone-chillingly bad food poisoning after eating lamb vindaloo doesn't mean that all Indian takeout should be treated with suspicion bordering on contempt. Shall I go on? I think you get the point.

You Tried To Impress Each Other

For the record, thank God we don't have to go through our lives continually trying to impress each other. Not having to do this anymore now that you're in a committed relationship is great. But! Just like the previous thing you miss about when your lover was younger, it can be nice to deviate from the SOP sometimes, especially if your little unexpected move impresses the living crap out of the other. What type of endeavors fall under this category? Basically anything that you don't usually do that you think the other would really, really like. If my husband baked me a cake, I would tell everyone I know about it. Part of why I would love this is that my husband doesn't like cake even a little bit, but I do. Taking up rock climbing? Impressive. Why I am I even bothering to suggest ideas? You know exactly what would impress the other-- and you've never tried it. Do it.

You Willingly Hung Out With Each Other's Friends

It helped that they were hotter back then, too. But, no, you mostly did it to win their approval and solidify the others, and once it was clear that everyone was cool with everyone else, you were Audi 5000 from that social scene. They probably didn't miss you that much, since most women would rather have an unattached man in their midst when they're hanging out in a group than someone's husband or boyfriend. But every so often they'd love to have you come out with them, especially if you acted like you wanted to be there. Your man will get tons of respect from his friends if you seem to genuinely enjoy their company, and that will remind him why he decided to hitch his wagon to yours in the first place.

You were both (at least) 10 pounds lighter

Let's go easy here! But in the spirit of agonizing honesty, we can't leave this out. Most of us could be healthier, and it's not just for ourselves but for our spouses. So if you've been thinking about getting to the gym more often, or worrying about that layer of "winter fat" that used to disappear like magic in June but now just kind of stays there. The other will absolutely support you, and who knows? The sight of you in the cute dress she wore on your first anniversary might inspire him to rummage around his closet and find those circa-2003 board shorts for the summer.