Marriage, Holiday Stress and Personality Conflicts

Rex and I are expecting almost 20 people for Christmas Eve dinner. We've already prepped most of the food. But the various personalities gathered around the table? Ummm.. we're not quite as prepared. After all, Chinese egg rolls can be quickly forgotten when the Italian bouillabaisse soup is served, but it's not as easy for Democrats on one side of our farm table to digest digs from Republicans on the other side. Tension, like too much Chianti, can quickly feel acidic.

While deciding on mango salsa vs. olive tapenade at Costco today, I leaned over the cart and gave Rex my opinion on navigating some pretty drastic personalites. "Babe... this Christmas Eve... we need a personality game plan."

I could see the look of terror/slash confusion/slash "Are you friggin' insane" daze in his eyes. It was the same cloud that descended when I told him, after a bad bout of flu, that I wanted to try for a third baby.

"Can't we just get everyone lit?" he responded, at the same time throwing bacon and blue cheese pinwills into the cart. (A surprising choice from the usually non-spontaneous Rex. I think he was trying to get me off my game. It wasn't going to work.)

"Honey," I said. "People can drink all they want. But we still need a mantra. You know... so there's no hurt feelings when I accidentally let it slip that your great Aunt Pearl has the tact of a dusty floor mat."

"Too late! You let it slip!" he remarked. "And I'd be insulted if I didn't agree."

He took a breath... the same kind of deep exhale that accompanies both defeat and the knowlege that he, indeed, would be paying for this enormous Costco bill. "I get your point. We are dealing with a lot of different people. We'll do the mantra."

He kissed me. He then very sweetly added, "I totally trust you."

"So that third kid?" I winked.

"No chance in hell," he remarked before inhaling enough lobster spread samples to feed our 20 person Christmas Eve table.

Perhaps you're like me. Perhaps you need a game plan for the different folk that will be joining you this holiday season? To help me navigate the often tricky world of family relations, I turned a writer friend of mine, Kate Hanley.

"The irony about spending time with the people you know and love the best is that they also know how to push your buttons the most," she said. And she should know. She's the author of The Anywhere, Anytime Chill Guide - a handy book designed to keep one balanced throughout any occasion.

She came up with four simple remedies to steer couples through family holiday drama. She drew her sources from meditation, yoga, and acupressure. "Although no one thing can magically transform your family relationships, these tips can help you be more relaxed, less stressed, and less likely to get snippy with the people you love."

I'd tell you them all today, but then you'd have nothing to tune in for on Wednesday! So... hang on to your hats and glasses. Think about your upcoming family event, and come up with a mantra to get you through. For now, ours is: "Eat, drink and laugh!" After all, does everything have to be so serious? No it does not. The only thing serious Rex and I want to do this Christmas Eve is bet on when his Italian father is going to drag out the after dinner liquor, pound his fist on the table, and scream, "Streggggggggggggga!" We look forward to it all year.

So tell me - what are your tips for dealing with various personalities without offending your spouse?

Posted by Andrea Frazer

Reprinted with Permission of Hearst Communications, Inc.