Married to the war: love in the time of Iraq

Recently, we marked the fifth anniversary of our invasion of Iraq. Four thousand American soldiers have given their lives. Troops are enduring 15 month tours of duty, and the violence shows no sign of letting up. It seems that many citizens are breathlessly awaiting the coming presidential election in hopes of change. What many people don't see is how this state is affecting the families and loved ones back home, and the soldiers who may be grasping at straws.

Here's a rather alarming (and heartbreaking) statistic: "Research shows that about 20 percent of marriages fall apart within two years when one spouse has been sent off to war."--The Telegraph And according to a recent article in The New York Times, skyrocketing divorce rates among military couples has persuaded the army to wage its own battle against breakups in the form of offering "marriage education" courses.

What is marriage education? It's really a slightly sugar-coated term for marriage counseling (therapists found that some soldiers, toughened by their experience at war, balked at the the idea of traditional counseling). But it's that stoic attitude that seems to be part of the root of the problem: The post traumatic stress syndrome and side effect of not being able to communicate that many soldiers inevitably experience upon their return can be disastrous for marriages.

Cited in the Times piece is Sue Johnson, director of the Ottawa Couple and Family Institute and a developer of Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy, who seems to preach that no matter how difficult communication can be, it's important that it take place somehow. "Ms. Johnson, the daughter of a British Navy commando, teaches couples to address the emotions that underpin their fights, which is usually the need for more love and reassurance of love." The key is for both parties to be sensitive to one another. However, that's understandably more complicated than it sounds.

Later this week, we'll speak to a licensed marriage counselor to get their professional tips, advice and recommendations. But in the meantime, we'd love to hear from YOU: wives, daughters, partners and even soldiers about the challenges you're facing, how you''re coping and what resources you wish were more available. We'll follow up with you, feature your comments and posts and hopefully have a lively, hope-filled discussion. We're all ears.