Married to the War Part 3: Interview with a marriage counselor

In Part Three of our Married to the War series, we speak with St. Paul, Minneapolis-based clinical psychologist and marriage counselor Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. to get an expert's opinion on military couples and what they can do to cope.

What are the greatest challenges couples face when they are split up due to circumstances they cannot control such as war?

My basic position is that a husband and wife should not be split up. Even marriages where one spouse travels on business during the week can be at high-risk for divorce. I was teaching for 10 years and wasn't sure if I could support myself counseling, then I got started with employees of Northwest Airlines. Due to job-related separation, I had more work than I could keep up with. Besides airline employees and members of the armed services, physicians, lawyers, politicians and entertainers are others whose job puts their marriages at-risk, basically anyone whose job dominates their lives to the point where they forget they're married. We host weekend sessions every two months dealing with people who are on the verge of divorce (already filed), and invariably there will be couples there who are either in the war or have just come from it. The war itself creates its own set of problems, and the separation creates a whole different set of problems.

How so? Why are these compounded when it comes to military couples specifically?

We're trying to get someone who has been to Iraq to become "civilized" again. There is an unmistakable attitude in anyone who goes through war, and many soldiers come back with a whole host of emotional problems, like violent tendencies and anger. They've been separated from their spouses, and when they come back they are dealing with all these issues. These marriages are incredibly fragile.

One of my soldier clients said, "My solution is that married people shouldn't be in the army." I know that sounds extreme, but at this point, I agree. This situation can wreak havoc on marriages: No matter who you are, it hurts your marriage to be overseas in a battle zone. It's different if say, you're stationed in Germany with your partner. There is great housing for married folks, etc. But in Iraq we're dealing with situations that are terrible for marriages, obviously. Chronic unemployment is another issue, these soldiers are out of work for a year, and they have a hard time getting back into the workplace.

How does PTSD (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder) play a role in these problems?

A man in Iraq emailed me a letter last week and said that he's very worried because he sees himself changing, and he knows when he comes home he won't be the same person. He's seen it in a lot of his colleagues.

The soldier ends up being very moody, he or she has a lot to be depressed about, such as the memories of what goes on when you're a soldier. A lot of your time is sitting around, and the next thing you know the guy next to you has been blown up, so the shock is enormous. Things happen suddenly and you're chronically nervous, anxious, and you come home and things are not as you left them. Even if the spouse is trying to be loving and supportive, you're now a stranger. Many spouses say, "I don't feel like I know you." Due to this, she's not so affectionate, he might overdo it, lose his temper, which upsets her and things go from bad to worse, and to top things off, maybe they have no money: It's not like these guys come home well funded. It's an extremely difficult situation. Some spouses feel they encounter violence and abuse. While a soldier is fighting, violence has become a language. These people have been conditioned to kill people. It can be understandably hard to transition back to normal life.

What can spouses and partners of soldiers do to be more supportive, but cope with their own issues at the same time?

Literally, support groups are the most practical idea. If your spouse is overseas you need to be in a support group sponsored and paid for by the armed services, immediately. People need to be strongly encouraged to participate in one of these groups. When a married spouse is deployed, the risk of divorce is imminent, and should be treated as such. Everyone can understand the risk of getting killed or losing your hearing and eyesight, but I don't think people recognize the risk of marital disillusionment. That said, the armed services is very large; there's the army, the navy, etc, and there is no one universal program available throughout. I know the people who come to our camps feel they have no services available to them.

[Ed Note: In an earlier post, we alluded to the NY Times story about "Strong Bonds," an Army pilot program to address marital stress after soldiers return from long tours in Iraq. But services like these are still few and far between.]

Any suggestions on how couples can cope while they're separated?

It's hard to get anything done in the armed services, there's a tremendous amount of inertia. Infidelity is a real problem. Here's a guy who's life is at risk everyday, and he finds out his wife is having an affair; it's a huge morale crusher, he can't think straight. I've proposed to a couple of congressman that there be a law passed that if you have an affair with the spouse of a soldier who is deployed, you get a minimum of 10 years in jail, and advertise this everywhere. I think it would get a lot of support! (laughs) A less draconian approach would be, again, to have support groups that would be made available through the armies and marines (highest rates of infidelity occur in those branches), plus support groups for the spouses left at home. There also needs to be an opportunity for separated couples to re-connect, come home for two weeks. We're definitely seeing more and more military couples in our program. Our basic strategy is to get them out of the service as soon as possible. We have many people we're working with in all branches of the armed services that have been successful at keeping their marriages together, but it is a major struggle.

Check out Dr. Harley's new book, Love Busters, or check out his services at Marriage Builders.

Later this week we'll share tips, suggestions and hopeful words from readers who are living through this. In the meantime, if you feel strongly about helping to support our troops, take a moment to sign this petition demanding that Senator McCain co-sponsor the bipartisan Post 9/11 Veterans Educational Assistance Act, a bill that will provide vets with the fully-funded education they so desperately need and deserve.