Mesbian: The Lesbian Man

Photo by: Scene from High Fidelity/ via
Tim Robbins' character in "High Fidelty" is the ultimate Mesbian.-
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Thu, Oct 6, 2011 3:55 PM EDT

Metrosexual is a term that describes a man who is physically attracted to women and mentally attracted to musicals, mousse and manicures. Offensive to both homosexual and heterosexuals alike, it implies all gay men are like Jack from "Will and Grace" and all straight men are like Archie Bunker. We're all way over this term right? (Today, The Frisky's Jessica Wakemen actually found a woman who just discovered the trend, possibly because she was living in a deprivation chamber in 2000). But aside from her, we're through with the metro movement. Straight men use hair products and gay men use power tools--big deal.

But wait. I recently stumbled on a breed of man that combines another gay/straight stereotype. A friend was describing her ex-boyfriend in these terms: "He had a vast collection of tea, his playlist was all Ani Difranco, he worked at a food co-op. He was like a hetero male lesbian."

Disclaimer: The "lesbian" she was referring to actually refers to every single woman who attended a small liberal arts college in Oregon in the late '90s. It's a gross stereotype fostered by movies like PCU (which was hilarious). So lets just use the term, knowing full well, that it's more about our personal pre-millennium college hopes, dreams and bi-curiosity and less about actual lesbians.

But this guy was one of them. He was sensitive to her cycles, reminded about breast cancer checks, way too into tea and a total chick-magnet. He went through women like regular-sized tampons.

Could this be a thing?

A new study emerged this week that found that women are more attracted to a more feminized man. "On a biological level, women are more likely to pick a leaner, even slightly more effeminate man as they equate those physical traits with being more caring and gentle and therefore a better prospect as a partner," anthropologist Barnaby Dixon explained in the Daily Mail.

Makes sense to me. Maybe the lesbian man is a reaction to our own biological cravings. The metrosexual movement, which turned men into fashionistas, has been co-opted by overtly-masculine lugs like The Situation. So it makes sense that men in search of a different female inspiration would turn to a different kind of woman. Someone less like Mariah Carey and more like Linda Perry. You'd think that as the era of Grrrl power, cargo pants and eye-brow pierces makes a comeback, it'd be women carrying the torch. But these days, it's a select group of men. (Not to be confused with Men Who Look Like Old Lesbians)

  • They work in non-profits, farmers markets, NGOs and documentary film.
  • They're eco-conscious.
  • They make you matte not coffee after a long night of hot sex.
  • They'll choose hot cider over beer at a pub.
  • Their hair products contain beeswax.
  • Their music taste leans toward "world", and outraged singer-songwriter types.
  • Their drug of choice is hallucinogenic and Native-American derived.
  • In the summer, they pair their ironic military cargo pants with a shirt that reads "This is what a feminist looks like".
  • They've got a Free-Tibet bumper sticker on the outside of their refrigerator door and on the inside, homemade Kombucha.
  • They want to tell you why exactly they decided to switch to crystal deodorant, even if you didn't ask.
  • Their dream date is to hold you from behind at a Greenpeace rally in Washington as the Indigo Girls perform the Battle Hymn of the Republic.
  • They call Tori Amos just 'Tori'.
  • When they came home with you for Christmas, you went to bed and they stayed up all night talking to your mom.
  • When you tell them you're going to a yoga class, they ask what kind.
  • They've got a stick of nag chopra incense in the hand of a gold Buddha on their window sill.
  • Their book shelf reads like a freshman year woman studies seminar: the journals of Susan Sontag, collected works of Bell Hooks, Anias Nin's biography.
  • They're into journaling and may or may not own a pottery wheel.
  • Their pick up line is something along the lines of "You've got a lot of knots in your back."
  • And just because they're talking about how great a friend you are while straddling you, don't be fooled: that's not a patchoulli candle in their pocket (remember, they took it out and put it by the bedside table.)

Is it metrosexual backlash? Beauty and fashion products are still cashing in with male clientele. But hair gel and distressed jeans have become far too butch. The lesbian man turns to organic brands, balms sold at Whole Foods and clothing made from hemp. His M.O. is more about health, world peace and making a difference. Oh and he really likes to f---. Like the imagined lesbian you expected to fall for the minute your parents dropped you off at the dorms, the LB is sexually confident. He'll take you into his fold and cry with you about dolphins, dread your hair, and host a Closer to Fine sing-along at the end of his intimate dinner party.

Come to think of it, he may be perfect.