The Myth of Meant to Be

All alone
I have been hearing a lot of, "If it's meant to be it will happen without you looking." And "If I were single again, I think I would rather be alone and to myself. I wouldn't want a relationship."

Not true. Not true at all.

If that were true, you would not be in your relationship now. If it was much more exciting to be alone and doing it all alone-you would be. If life with your mate were so terrible you would not be with them if you were as strong and capable as you say you are.

It is easy for someone to say, "I would just be alone and enjoy myself." When they aren't and rarely have been. It is easy to talk that talk when you haven't walked that walk. It is easy to say it and much harder to do.

There are wonderful things about being single. There are joys in being single. I am not denying that in the least. There can be a lot of freedom , and sometimes that very freedom can also chain you in. When there is no one to answer to, to decision make with, to give a damn about what you do, we can strangle ourselves with our freedom. It is easy to think that being single is an episode of Sex in the City when you have no one to be responsible for but yourself. Everything can then be about you, Yay, that's wonderful-but that isn't my life at all.

For those who are attached and say it, try doing it. Try thinking about relying on no one but yourself and the choices you make. Think about when you second guess those choices in the dead of night and you turn to the space next to you and say, "Did I do the right thing or not?" and the pillow is silent. Think about being alone in your grief as well as your joy-no one to share both the good and the bad. Everything is handled solely by you. You learn to do it alone or you give up, but just because you learn to adjust does not mean you like it. I have realized how strong and decisive I really am yet many times, I wish I didn't have to be.

When you have no choice but to carry on by yourself, it becomes much less glamorous. The grass is not always greener on that other side and if it is, it's because I am in full charge of the lawn care with no one to help me and I'm exhausted too. Being alone is manageable, it is tolerable but it is not an easy thing and it is a constant challenge. And sometimes it's just plain lonely.

The "if it's meant to be it will happen" I actually believe that. However, I very much doubt the universe will drop my ideal love through this second floor apartment roof into my living room while I'm watching reruns on my cable-less TV. I am thinking I need to be out in the world for that to happen. I am not ashamed to be actively seeking someone to share my life with. I don't feel anyone truly finds someone when they are not "looking". I don't believe that anyone who wants to have someone in their lives is actually closing their eyes to all the potential mates around them while they are waiting for it to just happen.

They are looking-even when they say they are not.

If they weren't, then they would not be open to the experience when it showed up. They would pass it by without even knowing it. They would miss out on it. I don't want to miss out on any opportunity by closing my eyes. Heck, I may even stop blinking.

Monika M. Basile