New To Dating at 31 (A writers story on dating after being in a 11 year relationship)

In all my days of being single never thought it to be so freeing. Not at 31. I dated by all the rules of dating when I was about 18 -19 years of age, without knowing that I was doing it right. Very fearless in my approach to it. Either I liked the guy or I didn't. If I did like him, but did not see him as a fit for the long term, that was fine too. We still could be friends. Soon after I met a guy and we had a rocky relationship for 11 years.

Eventually we broke up. It took about 4 years to adapt to the idea of not having him in my life as a mate, yet, remaining a dad to my children. That was just weird. Before I knew it I only dated on the dance floor. Only one guy actually made it far enough to get my real number. Eventually, I dropped him due to distance. I had to be practical to some degree. Then came the opportunity to met a great guy and to actually go out on a date. We enjoyed each other so much that we dated and eventually started the courtship stage of the relationship. The first time I felt very good chemistry with anyone and deemed as a great fit for my children and I. Believe me, I have had guys that were excellent for my children, but we had absolutely no chemistry. Never again!!

I was excited about the courtship stage. I had not been through it personally. My 11 year relationship had no courtship stage. We moved in within about 3 months or less... I can't remember. He tried to court me after the fact, but it was beyond a challenge. I was ready to take on a different approach with the idea of courtship with this new relationship. Really have fun with it and see what kind of results it produced. Based on my experience with my 11 year relationship, I found that any form of courtship was not just for the person your trying to get closer to, but for the family's approval to keep them off your behind about your flaws. Hey, I'm sure there are books with more well defined terms, but I'm going to use the great everyday lingo. I'm just the chic next door.

I will admit it was fun and very heart warming to bake his mother her favorite desert and catering to his father sentimental side with a gift representing the sport he played all his life. I wanted them to know that I appreciated them for birthing such a wonderful guy. I wanted them to know that I valued them as well. I wanted to reach out a little more to his siblings too, but we broke up soon after. No biggie.

Based on my experience it would seem that I'm just getting bits and pieces to this puzzle of love and relationships. I've learned that there is a dating stage and a courtship stage. I thought it was either dating, engaged, or married. But it runs a little deeper than that. Also, I have this looming question about during the courtship stage. I've noticed that 90% of my friends never make it any further than that. Conflict issues. I mean, we all want to get married eventually. We even tough out years of being in the relationship and never making it to the alter. What gives? The big question I have is... how does a couple make it through the conflicts that keep them from making a purposeful commitment to be with one another for the rest of their lives? This whole idea of doing things by default of hope and possibility was driving me nuts. Driving me nuts by living it and driving me nuts by seeing it lived in others. Madness I tell you.

As I sought out advice about conflict busters, to my utter surprise, it was only directed towards married couples. Oh, this world seems to be so full of irony. Now, I did come to find a topic about courtship through "Focus On The Family" (Christian radio program). The thing that caught my attention was that it was suggested that I take the person I'm courting as is. Yet, while we must accept that there is no perfect match out there how do we make each others mismatches accommodate the parts of us that match very well? I guess if I could figure that out then the acceptance part is just fine with me.

Then again, there are things that did not come to surface until the courtship stage. If I had known those things before, I would have never went for the courtship stage to begin with. As a matter of fact, there was one issue that bugged the crap out of me. I thought if I talked to him about it then he would be little mindful in how this particular behavior effected me. It didn't. I just didn't want to feel neglected. That's it. I guess, that's what the courtship stage is for, but very few people I know makes it any further. So how do I make it past that stage? I have no idea.

So now, I'm single once again. I'm 31 and ready to have fun with it once more. It's like conducting science experiments with the result of a happy marriage as the aim. For now, I'll just have fun with the process. It's so interesting once a person can get over the idea of failed experiment. With love it hurts all kind of ways, but that's love for you.

What will this time in the lab of my heart hold for me? I don't know. Only time will tell.