It's You, Not Him: Six Reasons Why the Sex is Bad

Don't you both deserve to have the hottest sex possible?We have sex for many reasons, not all of them physical. But it's that mysterious build up and subsequent release of tension known as an orgasm that keeps us coming back for more and more sex with our partner.

To make the sex you're having better, hotter and consistently more orgasmic, you need to pay more attention to foreplay and communication - and you need to learn how to take the lead.

Here are six reasons why you're not having mind-blowing sex tonight - and every night- and what you can do to fix it:

1. You're skimping on foreplay. The hottest, most explosive sex happens when both partners are fully turned on, present and focused on each other. Foreplay is the only way to get there - it heightens arousal and increases the desire and the likelihood you'll reach orgasm. Incorporating extended play sessions into your sexual activities gives your body time to prepare for the main event.

You may not realize it, but your vagina actually goes through physiological changes during arousal. Your uterus pulls up slightly and the walls of your vagina expand in a process called "tenting," making penetration much more enjoyable.

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2. You're not building enough anticipation. Taking time to get turned on turns up the sexual heat in many ways, but one of the most important and often overlooked facts about foreplay is that it gives you time to build anticipation. Anticipation, and the accompanying tension it causes, is like a red hot, super turn-on. After all, if you know exactly what's going to happen and when, there's nothing to get excited about. It's the need, the build up and the feeling that you might not be able to wait that really make sex hot.

3. You're not being vocal enough. Be vocal about the attention you want. Your lover wants to please you, but actually may not know how. Some of us are more perceptive than others, and many men and women worry that asking questions will kill the mood. Despite the well-known adage that there are no stupid questions, some questions are definitely less sexy than others.

You can solve this problem by talking about your desires. If you want something specific, make it clear. If you simply need to slow things down, try taking control. Don't be afraid to pull back and stop the action or change its course.

4. You're not helpful. Criticism is not sexy, so use positive reinforcement to get what you want during sex play. Statements like: "I love when you touch me there," "I love when you use your mouth," and "I love when we go slowly - it makes me want you even more," are excellent ways to get what you need while maintaining the erotic tension between you and your partner.

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5. You take a backseat when it comes to your pleasure. Many of us grow up with the belief that our partners will give us pleasure and orgasms, and because of this, we are often reluctant to take a more active role in creating pleasure for ourselves during intercourse. No matter how great a lover your partner is, he or she can't read your mind and can't steer every aspect of your pleasure.

Your partner should be attentive to your needs, of course, and you should expect him or her to possess sexual skills and empathy to know how to please you. But, he or she can't actually "give" you an orgasm without your participation. Sex is something you are doing together, and your orgasm is just as much your responsibility as it is your lover's. Have sex in positions that allow you access to your most sensitive parts, and be vocal about what feels good and what isn't working. Change positions when you need to.

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6. You don't consider all the options. There are many options on the market for small vibrators you can use during partner sex. Find one you like and use it - don't be shy. Explain to your partner that your vibrator will greatly enhance the experience of intercourse and will allow you to climax with much less effort.

Vibrators take the pressure off, which allows you to relax without fear that you won't have an orgasm. Using a vibrator during sex says that you are sexually liberated and serious about enjoying sex, and there is absolutely no downside to that.

Written By Diana Cage for

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