Office Romance: Expert-Approved Dos and Don'ts

By Catherine Birndorf M.D., SELF magazine

The office is the main offline source for romance, finds a new study. But mingling on the clock isn't easy. Follow our pro tips before you mix business with pleasure.

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Q: I made out with a coworker at an office bash (oops), but I don't want to date him. How can we move on? It's awkward!

A; Try this two-pronged strategy: First, be completely up-front with the guy to get past the awkwardness. If you think he regrets the makeout session, take a casual approach: "I want to chat about what happened. Can we put it behind us and go back to being normal coworkers?" But if you suspect he hopes you'll end up in a relationship (or at least have more hookups), you'll have to tread lightly to avoid hurt feelings, as in, "That was fun, and I think you're a great guy, but from now on, I want to keep my personal life separate from my professional life. Can we agree to keep this under wraps and get back on track?" The next step: Act pleasantly vague with your colleagues to quell rumors. (Yes, it's possible that others spotted you sneaking off to the stairwell and won't keep quiet about it.) If someone jokes about what happened, say, "I know, I know, that wasn't my finest hour," then calmly change the subject. If you get flustered or engage with the jokers, you'll risk adding fuel to the gossipy fire. You can enlist an office pal to stamp out the whispers when you're not around. ("Really, it was nothing.") And don't worry too much: Soon enough, another scandal will come along and eclipse yours.

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Q: Dating is allowed at my company, but my colleague and I have been keeping our new relationship quiet. Is it a bad idea to come clean to our work friends?

A: It depends on how serious you two are. If you've just started dating or things are pretty casual, keep mum; there's no need to stir up drama for a fling. But if you're solid, consider spilling the beans. As hard as you're trying to avoid lingering lunches or suggestive glances, others could notice something and begin spreading rumors, so it's better for you, not them, to control how the news gets out. You should also think about how your lunch-break buds would feel if they hear about your liaison from a random guy in accounting instead of you. I'd suggest telling a group of people at once (at, say, happy hour), because if you inform pals individually, the info could trickle out before you've made your rounds. Try "Hey, guys, Joe and I wanted to let you know that we are dating. We're filling you in because we're all buds." If you show you're confident and happy, your office friends will have little to gossip about (and will probably be pleased for you). After that, it's on you to play well with others in the office-no PDA, no hanging out exclusively with your honey, no doing anything that will make others uncomfortable. (Resist the office footsie, please!) That way, everyone will feel reassured that your romance won't alter work dynamics. Now you can hold hands on the street without fear of running into your boss.

Should you...

Have sex on your desk? No

Hook up with your boss-or your assistant? No

Be late to work because you were at home having sex? One time only

Send a sext at work? Yes (but not on a work phone)

Take a personal day for sex? Yes

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Dish about your sex life to coworkers? No

Have sex during your lunch break? Yes (but not in your office)

Have a Q for SELF's happiness expert? Write to happiness@self.com. Catherine Birndorf, M.D., is the director of the Payne Whitney Women's Program at NewYork-Presbyterian Hospital.

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