Picking Through the Picky

It isn't picky. It's what I can tolerate without losing my mind or laughing out loud. Sometimes it's the little things that make us realize someone isn't right for us. Yet, we have a hard time listening to our own inner voice-trusting ourselves that maybe the little thing that puts a niggle in the back of our brains, is actually a darn big deal.

I am sure there are plenty of little things about me that cause particular men to go running in the opposite direction. Odd little habits that I don't even realize I do or even huge big things that I am perfectly aware of. And that's okay-move along. I'm fine with that. Not that I am unwilling or unable to improve on myself, I just do not feel the need to try and change the little things that make up who I am or beat my head against a wall to change things I can't possibly change.

I am not asking anyone to change either. I am okay with moving along on my merry way when those little idiosyncrasies become giant, glaring red flashing lights before my eyes.

Once, I dated a fairly nice man. He had a job and was a good conversationalist. I thought he was quite handsome except for the times I thought he looked like a vampire. I know that sounds crazy, but I would fluctuate between thinking, "Hey, he's pretty cute" to "Oh my God! He looks like a vampire!" I kept wondering what was wrong with me. How can I possibly think such opposite things about the same person? He either is handsome or looks like a vampire, which is it? I felt ridiculous and superficial.

I continued to date him because he treated me well. He was polite and respectful towards me and then I realized-he really wasn't to other people. He didn't seem to like most people. He would start complaining about someone and then say, "I have issues so I guess I should get over that, right?" at first I thought he was kidding and then I realized he was dead serious. I started responding, "Yes, you should." Yet, I second guessed myself that somehow it was this weird little vampire thought about him that was creeping in and making him seem like something he wasn't.

At the end of an evening of bowling, in the car, he kissed me. He decided to lick my whole face. I thought, "Here it is. He's a vampire or some sort of dog or even worse." Why the heck am I even here? I am ashamed to say his constant complaining about others is not what made me send him packing, but instead it was the disgusting slobbering all over my face. I knew I could not tolerate that ever. I should have stayed away from anyone who gave me a vampire vibe.

I have learned to step out of the box in so many ways as I continuing dating in this world. If you lined up the men I have dated, you would see, not one looks like another. They are all so unique and special in different ways. I have been lucky to know such a variety of people and to see the beauty in all of the differences that when I was younger I may not have noticed due to being too "picky". There is only one physical characteristic I just cannot seem to get beyond.

I have this strange repulsion to little tiny baby hands and it makes me feel guilty. I feel like it is terrible for me to not want to date someone with these hands that make me shudder. I mean it is not something that can be helped. It is not something they have done to themselves or can change. It is no different than me having a very Italian nose and men finding that unattractive and choosing not to date me because of it. I only fear that I may let someone good slip away due to my insistence that I can't tolerate it.

I went on a date with a man with these hands. Not only did he have these hands, one of his fingers was also a bit claw like with an odd tiny nail. I was immediately put off and ashamed at my reaction. It was like passing a car wreck and not being able to take my eyes away from the exact thing I did not want to look at. I forced myself to look around and to not focus on his claw finger and listen instead to what he had to say. What he had to say is what made me leave-not his hands, his words. He spoke of his ex wife being a slut, that anyone not a Christian would go to hell, that single mothers could not be good parents...and on and on. I was relieved to have a valid reason to move along. (Him being a jerk had nothing to do with his hands, please do not think I am implying that)

We have preferences. We have likes and dislikes. This is okay. Really. As long as we are not knocking every man and woman out of the ballpark on every physical attribute we find less than attractive. We also have to understand when others do not choose us too for things they cannot tolerate. What is interesting is that when you really like someone, things you thought you could not tolerate become tolerable.

Monika M. Basile