POLL: How active is your sex drive?
About 25 percent of Americans are often just too tired for sex, reports a survey released this week by the National Sleep Foundation. Big news? Hardly. But the little-known fact that the foundation is partially funded by companies that make insomnia drugs reminds me of another pharmaceutically-pushed reason we're not in the mood: No desire.
Oh, it's true that plenty of women would rather have a date with their Ty-D-Bol than sex with their husbands-some 33 percent typically come out in studies as having low libido, which has been dubbed "hypoactive sexual desire disorder." But is there something wrong with you? Or is there something wrong with your life? Drug companies are working off the former idea, racing to come up with a female Viagra, eyeing what could be a $2 to $4 billion a year market.
In her documentary Orgasm, Inc., Liz Canner goes inside the business of "female pleasure," starting with a job editing erotic videos to test an orgasm cream. "I like the people I worked with," Canner says. "I just think the drug industry is in a position where they're developing diseases in order to sell us the drugs. The problem is, the long term effects of these drugs are unknown, and when they are tested, they're really quite horrifying." In fact, one treatment already offered by some doctors is testosterone-a heavy-duty hormone that is not approved by the FDA because of safety concerns, which include increased risk of breast cancer.
Many experts, too, stress that popping a pill would miss the complexities that can drain a woman's libido-and, honestly, wreck a relationship. I had a long talk with sex therapist Gerald Weeks, PhD, a professor in the department of marriage & family therapy at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas and co-author of Hypoactive Sexual Desire: Integrating Sex and Couple Therapy. He counsels hundreds of patients with low desire. "It's a common problem even among younger women," he says, offering some insight:
* Are you abnormal if you rarely have sex? Actually, you're not. A major study from the University of Chicago showed that one third of American adults have sex only a few times a year, if at all.
* Should you grin and bear it for your husband's sake? No self-respecting feminist would go near that question with a "yes," but Weeks says some women really do get into it once they start. Otherwise? It'll make things worse. "When you think you should get turned on, but can't, you start feeling what we call 'response anxiety,'" Weeks says. "And then you get anxious about the next encounter, worrying, Oh my God, am I going to lie there again like a rock? And then you begin to see yourself as a failure and a disappointment to your partner, and sex can turn into an angry interaction."
* What could be causing this? A million things, and usually more than one. Chronic anger, sexual trauma in your past, fear of rejection or abandonment. But a common reason in women, Weeks says, is loss of control in the relationship-not the obvious "he tells you what to do," but the more insidious version where you perceive he's telling how to be-how to feel, how to think. Your body, is the one place you can draw the line, as if to protest: You can make me have sex. But you can't make me want it. In other words, low libido is an unconscious way of fighting back, saying, "enough is enough."
* Are there physical libido inhibitors? Absolutely. Having a baby, going through menopause, and taking the Pill can all dull desire. In fact many medications have that side effect. Antidepressants are notorious. "I've seen very orgasmic women go on SSRIs, and three weeks later they're complaining, 'You could give me the industrial-strength vibrator-it ain't going to happen,'" Weeks says.
* What if you actually hate sex? It's very hard to talk about, but many women feel this way. "Some will tell me, 'It disgusts me, I want to throw up,'" Weeks says, "or, 'I just don't like my partner's body. It's changed since we got married.'" Unfortunately, until you face these feelings, they're unlikely to change.
* Is it just your problem? No! And therapy can truly help if you work with your partner. With Dr. Weeks, the process involves both individual and couples counseling, taking between six months to two years. "If there were a safe medication out there that worked, I'd be all for it," he says. "But there isn't." Nor does he believe the quicker behavioral approach offers much more than a Band-Aid. Click here to find a certified professional.
But first, you may want to read more...
A little history
Sex-drive stealers
How the weather affects you
