Just say no to restaurant PDAWelcome to The Nitpicker. Jason Kessler loves to complain almost as much as he loves to eat. Join him on his journey through the imperfect universe of food.
Valentine's Day is just around the corner, so consider this a friendly reminder from the Nitpicker: No matter how in love you are, I don't want to see you making out in a restaurant-on February 14 or any other day. Nobody does. Look, it's great that you're in love. But public displays of affection are like your dreams: best kept in your bedroom-and far away from me.
SEE MORE: 8 Foods That Could Kill YouI'll admit, there's something sexy about a late dinner in a dark restaurant. After a few glasses of wine, your booth starts to seem less like furniture and more like a private retreat. The conversation is flowing, there's lots of laughter, and all of a sudden, whoops! Your face is attached to another human's face and your tongues are jousting. It happens. Or at least it did. To me.
A few months ago, I found myself in this exact situation with a friend at a new restaurant near the beach. The problem was, we weren't the ones making out. Let me tell you, nothing ruins a Caesar salad faster than a couple in their fifties going at it two tables over. That's the problem with restaurant PDA. It's inherently selfish. You're privileging your own desires over everyone else's-including, most important of all, mine.
Restaurants, as far as I know, have been around for quite some time, so it's not as if we're just now getting used to the concept of dining around other people. Why do some people think it's okay to abandon decorum? Do they also floss in public? Clip their toenails on the bus? Have they never watched Downton Abbey?
From now on, I'm going to deal with PDA directly-if lovers are going to invade my space, I'm going to invade theirs. See, I have this nice big stack of brochures about sexually transmitted infections I carry around with me (don't ask why), and anytime I see even a smooch, I'm going to hand one over. Consider it a public display of education. Believe me, nothing kills the mood faster than some truth bombs about chlamydia.