Put the Spark Back Into Your Marriage at Any Age
By Jill Provost
Contrary to popular belief, getting older does not signal the end of your love life-far from it! A 2007 survey from the University of Chicago found that most people between the ages of 57 and 85 consider sex an important part of their life. Not sure if you're one of them? Don't worry-even if you think your desire has gone MIA, it may just be a matter of knowing where to find it. Read on to discover the science behind intimacy and aging-and find out what you can do to bring the sexy back to your relationship.
Sleep often wins out over sex.
When it comes to sex, exhaustion can be a major mood killer. A recent survey found that 41 percent of married women would choose an extra hour of sleep over hanky-panky with their hubby. A screaming baby, work stress, fluctuating hormones or hot flashes can all make shut-eye harder to come by as we hit midlife. If you find yourself dragging through the day, waiting until bedtime to have sex almost guarantees no nookie, says Suki Hanfling, LICSW, certified sex therapist and founder of The Institute for Sexuality & Intimacy in Waltham, Massachusetts. Instead, choose a time when you're more awake, such as in the morning, or on the weekend after a nap.
Dryness isn't a sign of disinterest.
As women enter into perimenopause, they may have a tough time getting or staying lubricated. This can make sex less enjoyable or even painful. According to Stacy Tessler-Lindau, MD, director of the University of Chicago's Program in Integrative Sexual Medicine, it is one of the most common sexual concerns for women over 40. Luckily, it's also very treatable. Estrogen, in the form of hormone replacement therapy, is very effective. If that's not an option, says Dr. Tessler-Lindau, don't be afraid to experiment with silicone- or water-based lubricants.
Find out everything you need to know about lubricants.
More sex equals better sex.
Some postmenopausal women may experience vaginal atrophy, a condition that can make vaginal tissue thinner, drier and less elastic, says Hanfling. However, regular sex or masturbation may help keep things supple and moist. "If we don't use our biceps, they become weak. Likewise, if we're not using the pelvic muscles, hips or clitoris, those muscles and organs can get out of shape," explains Dr. Tessler-Lindau. Plus, says marriage therapist Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, founder of DivorceBusting.com and author of The Sex-Starved Marriage, "If you don't have sex for a long time, it becomes more and more difficult to break the ice. Regular sex, however couples define that, makes being sexual a more natural and comfortable part of the relationship."
Explore what turns you on like it's uncharted territory.
Of course, the sex has to be good for you to crave more of it. If it's not fulfilling, why would you go back for more? asks Weiner-Davis. "The mistake people make is believing that what turned them on when they first met is still accurate. How our bodies need to be stimulated changes with time," she explains. Good sex requires ongoing conversations about what turns each of you on. That means getting in touch with your own needs. "There's no way you can coach your partner if you don't know it yourself," she adds.
It's not all biological.
Don't assume your desire is going to take a nosedive as you get older. Though physical changes in midlife can take the sizzle out of some people's love life, a study from the University of Sheffield found that other factors, like stress or relationship issues, had a greater impact on women's sexual behavior during menopause than biological changes like decreased hormone levels. By assuming a lackluster libido is a natural part of aging, women become less likely to do anything about it. Instead, ask yourself what in your life is out of sync and start there, recommends Hanfling.
Get sweaty outside of the bedroom.
What can take a nosedive as you get older is self-esteem. In a Penn State survey of women between the ages of 35 and 55, 21 percent could not name one body part of theirs that they found attractive. The less appealing a woman felt, the more likely she was to report a decline in sexual desire or activity during the past 10 years. The quickest way to feel better about yourself? Exercise regularly-and not just to get rid of love handles. Physical activity increases feel-good chemicals in the brain, lowers stress and anxiety, and boosts self-esteem. And this, in turn, can lead to a healthier sexual appetite, says Weiner-Davis.
You don't have to be turned on to do the deed.
Another finding from the Penn State survey: Even women who had lost their desire said that when they did have sex, they enjoyed it. So why don't they do it more often? According to Hanfling and Weiner-Davis, women's desire does not always come before sex. While women can have strong sexual urges, usually they need to be aroused before they're in the mood for sex-especially as they get older. This can be tricky for couples who have fallen into a rut, explains Hanfling, because a woman also has to feel like she can say no if, after giving things a go, she's still not in the mood. Her advice: Be open to each other's advances and communicate, in a loving way, what feels good.
Forget the fireworks and embrace the embers.
The newness of a relationship can make you want to rip each other's clothes off. Fast-forward 10 or more years and that sense of novelty and adventure wears off. But just because you don't feel sparks at the mere mention of disrobing doesn't mean your mojo has packed up and left. According to Weiner-Davis, our desire changes as we get older, and we have a hard time recognizing it in its new, often subtler form. "What I tell people is, 'Forget the fireworks. Are there ever times when you feel embers?' A lot of people say yes, but they let it pass. I suggest that when they feel embers, don't let it pass, and really act on it."
Your best aphrodisiac is staying healthy.
Your age is not the best predictor of a robust sex life, says Dr. Tessler-Lindau. Rather, it's your overall health that more accurately determines how much satisfaction you get between the sheets. By doing everything you can to stay healthy now-like not smoking, exercising regularly, eating a heart-healthy diet and maintaining a healthy weight-you may be able to stave off sexual problems as you get older, she says.
Men can have emotional blocks, too.
The chance of erectile dysfunction (ED)-an inability to achieve or maintain an erection-increases with age: 39 percent of 40-year-olds and 65 percent of 65-year-olds report at least occasional erection issues. ED can signal serious health problems, like heart disease or diabetes, so it should be discussed with a doctor to rule them out. What starts as a physiological problem can turn into an emotional one, says Hanfling. A man might develop performance anxiety and avoid having sex. Or, erectile problems could be the result of the same emotional roadblocks that plague women. "We tend to think that a man can tune out everything when he's having sex, but that's just not true," says Weiner-Davis. Her recommendation: Stop criticizing. He needs to be praised and feel supported, just like you do.
Original article appeared on WomansDay.com
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