"The Bachelorette" Trista’s Secret to Lasting Love

by NoGamesLove Dating Coach Laurel House

Did you really think a made-on-TV love would last this long? Is "The Bachelor/ette" real anyway? How can you fall in love surrounded by cameras and within a period of a couple of months?

Let me answer those questions for you:

*I really thought that Trista and Ryan's marriage would last.

*"The Bachelor/ette" is real. It's just that some people go on the show with the wrong intentions (like fame or fun). But the majority of the guys and women on the show truly are looking for love.

*After a few days you don't notice the cameras anymore. Because your entire focus is love while you are shooting the show- you're not thinking about work, friends, family, running errands, watching TV, or ANYthing else; yes you truly can fall in love. You are on-purpose. But if you want to make it beyond the initial rush of chemistry and dig deeper into the core, creating a solid foundation for true love to endure, it's the effort that you put into the relationship once the reality show is over and you have re-emerged into the reality of life.

Trista Rehn and Ryan Sutter met and fell in love on "The Bachelorette," exchanged vows in a fantasy wedding on national TV, had two children (thankfully not while the cameras were rolling), and have gone on to create a solid and very real relationship. Their love is may have been made-on-TV, but their reality is very much like other couples- complete with ups and downs as they dealt with fertility issues, a difficult pregnancy, deaths, and daily challenges. Still after 10 years, they continue to maintain true love, a love based on shared core values, common interests and beliefs, mutual respect, and paying attention to the little things- the daily effort that makes an enduring difference. They are committed to the commitment.

Within her recent book "Happily Ever After: The Life-Changing Power of a Grateful Heart," Trista shares personal experiences and expressions of gratitude while revealing how to truly live "happily ever after." I interviewed Trista about how she and Ryan show their love, both today and the secret off camera moments that you didn't see while shooting "The Bachelorette."

LAUREL:

You talk a lot about Grace and Gratitude in the book, which are such feminine characteristics, yet you started in a role that is in many ways masculine: doing the picking, designing the dates, etc… How did you transition back to the sweet and feminine after the show?

TRISTA:

That is something we still address to this day. For him, being the one who had to wait for me to reciprocate his feelings was really difficult. While we were filming the show, he was confessing that he was in love with me through little notes that he would pass me under the table. On our hometown date, when there were four guys left, he didn't know that it was just him in my mind, and that was really difficult for him. I think a lot of times the women are the ones professing their love and waiting for the guy to affirm that. It was the other way around for us and it constantly comes up in conversation and it is something that I regret to this day- that I wasn't able to give to him because of what had happened to me before on "The Bachelor" with Alex Michel telling me two days before the final rose ceremony that he was going to choose me, and then he didn't. So I decided to withhold my feelings because I didn't want to accidentally mislead Ryan or anyone else. It is still a component of our relationship.

Today, I am usually home and in the woman's role of taking care of the kids and the house. And when RYan comes home and I have book interviews or I am on the phone on a business call, I think it's hard for him sometimes. He was raised in a home where his mom was the consummate homemaker. She had a meal on the table every night at 5pm and every room was always clean and that's what he grew up knowing. I try to be as good as her, I put effort into it, but cooking is not my thing. It's something we still deal with, but I think it's something that we always deal with. I don't have an answer to how to get past it other than communication and talking to each other and supporting each other in your endeavors. I think that if you embrace a grateful heart- both of you- you will be able to appreciate the little things about your partner even more, especially in the times when you are going through a rough patch. Gratitude not only helps in general terms making your life happier, it can help in all aspects of your life, especially with your partner.

LAUREL:

Before you went on the show you spent a lot of time working on yourself. Were you preparing to fall in love again?

TRISTA:

I feel like it's really important when you are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with to know who you are and what you want. If you go into dating without know that and being fulfilled in your own right you are not going to be able to give to someone and to know who you are and what you want. Because if you go into dating without knowing that and being fulfilled in your own right, then you wont be able to give happiness to someone else and you won't be able to communicate honestly with someone if you don't know who you are to start with. I think it's really important to get in tune with who you are and what you want first. And who knows what that means- if you do the gratitude journal or if you write in a journal or go to a yoga retreat or self-actualization coaching.

LAUREL:

Relationships are so often about the little things. But those little things start at the very beginning- when you're dating. How can you show that you appreciate someone while dating/When you're Boyfriend and Girlfriend/When you're Married?

TRISTA:

When you're dating, screw the "we can't call for 3 days or 5 days." Actually reach out and say "How's your day going?" Even just send a short and sweet text if you are uncomfortable calling. Just let them know that they are on your mind and they mean something to you. Throw the rules out the window.

Once you are girlfriend/boyfriend you can progress into the "Thinking about you" texts. You can text saying something like "I have a meeting in 5 minutes, but I just wanted you to let you know that I'm thinking about you." It is showing that you are thinking about each other in the chaos of life. Putting down your phone and being actively present is huge.

Especially as parents it's really hard to find time just for yourselves. Before Ryan and I had kids we loved to travel and get away and the focus was on us, and now we are more selfless but it's difficult. You need to find time to continue to show your partner that they are the priority of your life. Without my husband and the foundation that we created, our lives would crumble. You need to dedicate just times to be adults together- whether going out to dinner and a movie, playing a card game, go away on a trip, do a staycation. You have to set it or else other things will get in the way. Even if you write it in the calendar. Schedule the babysitter. It's even more fun to just be spontaneous. Be active instead of passive about it. Making time instead of just finding time.

LAUREL:

It's also being aware of the little things that make you happy and how you experience love so that you can communicate that.

TRISTA:

In this last year we found the book The 5 Love Languages and Ryan read it recently and it's huge for our relationship! Just knowing what love language you are makes a huge difference. I am a "words of affirmation" girl and I was in New York last week and every night Ryan would send me a text saying "I am so incredibly proud of you. Thank you for following your dreams and being the role model for our kids." It was incredibly sweet but it was also because he knew that is what I need to feel loved and validated. He is a "physical touch" and "acts of service" guy, so making sure that I do the dishes and clean the house before he comes home from a 48 hour shift or if I shoved the driveway, he would be on cloud 9. I was so impressed that h e read the book in the first place. Once he did it really opened our eyes as to how we communicate together. We were able to connect on a higher level.

xx
Laurel

Laurel House is an international Dating Coach and Lifestyle Expert, MTV's MADE "It Girl" Mentor, 4x published Lifestyle Author, and a go-to Expert on E! News. She recently sold her 5th book "Screwing The Rules: The No-Games Guide to Love," which will be released in December 2014 with Running Press.

With over 12 million views on YouTube, Laurel has created a platform to deliver dating and healthy lifestyle tips to the masses. Laurel is a Dating With Dignity dating coach. Her tips also appear on CupidsPulse.com, YourTango.com, SheKnows, and FabFitFun.com. Because of her edgy, honest, and wide-ranging advice, she is often referred to as the modern-day Ann Landers.