Rediscover Sex After 10 Stressful Situations
There's a lot more that contributes to a healthy sex life than romantic dinners and skimpy lingerie. When your life has been rocked by major events, like illness, job loss and foreclosure, it's likely that the last thing you want to do is stoke the flames of passion. "Trauma can temporarily quash the chemical signals that affect arousal and desire," says Holly Hein, PhD, a Los Angeles-based psychotherapist and the author of Sexual Detours. However, it's important to note that Dr. Hein says the negative affects are just temporary-there is, in fact, a way to bring your mojo back. To put the heat back into your love life, read these tips tailored to different libido-stealing situations.
Childbirth
You're up all night changing diapers, you have stitches down there and your bloodstream is being flooded with a hormone called oxytocin, causing you to focus on bonding with your baby-not making love to your partner. "On top of these physical changes come emotional ones," says Pepper Schwartz, PhD, a professor of sociology at the University of Washington and author of The Great Sex Weekend. "You've gone from being a lover to a parent, your vagina is now a birth canal and your breasts are for feeding a child." Despite these seismic shifts, you can pave the way to a complete return of sexual functioning (which usually happens slowly, over the course of three to six months) by being physically affectionate now. "For most women, being embraced and touched is the most important form of foreplay," says Carol Queen, PhD, Staff Sexologist at Good Vibrations in San Francisco and the author of Exhibitionism for the Shy. "A post-partum woman will likely be ready for sex sooner if this physical link is respected and not avoided. So reach out for hugs, hold hands and kiss-even when the two of you are holding the baby." Once you're both comfortable with leaving the baby, create time for physical intimacy in your hectic new-mom schedule by having a friend or family babysit so you and your husband can enjoy some alone time together. Even if you don't have sex, make sure your date night ends with a few minutes of cuddling in each other's arms. Photo: James Woodson / Thinkstock
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Illness
When you've been diagnosed with a life-altering disease, you're not expected to want to jump in the sack until you're well on your road to recovery. Once you get there, you may not be physically able to have sex, but you can set the stage for future intimacy by asking your doctor how long the effects of your illness and treatment will last. You can also spend this time communicating with your partner so your emotional connection stays strong and you're both aware that your relationship is not to blame for your current lack of sexual spark. "Your most important step now is getting over your illness," says Dr. Queen. "The fuller your recovery, the more sexual pleasure will organically play a part in that." After your doctor gives you a clean bill of health, know it may take time to reignite your libido-especially if your illness was linked to your reproductive organs. "Talking to a counselor can help you process how your illness has affected your body image or relationship," says Rose Hartzell, PhD, a sex therapist at San Diego Sexual Medicine in San Diego, California. "And masturbating alone and experimenting with your partner can help you get to know, accept and embrace your altered sexual self." Photo: Shutterstock
Medications
Just as drugs to treat serious illness can dampen desire, so too can medications for diabetes, depression, heart disease, high blood pressure and other common conditions. If you've noticed a dip in your sex drive since you started a new drug regime, ask your doctor if your prescription may be to blame. She may be able to adjust your dosage or switch you to an equally effective drug that won't have a similar effect. For example, birth control pills that contain less than 50 mcg of the hormone hethinyl estradiol are still able to prevent pregnancy, but they are thus less likely to lower your libido than other oral contraceptive formulas. If your doctor isn't able to change meds, ramp up your routine by finding new ways to explore and enjoy sex together. "Add a vibrator, arousal creams, sex aids and maybe even sex therapy to your repertoire," suggests Dr. Hartzell. Photo: Shutterstock
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Menopause
"Testosterone reaches its lowest level at menopause, which happens on average at age 51," says Irwin Goldstein, MD, director at San Diego Sexual Medicine and editor-in-chief of The Journal of Sexual Medicine. "Thyroid hormone levels plummet, leaving you with less energy for lovemaking, and blood flow to your genitals lessens, inhibiting lubrication." But menopause doesn't mean the end of scorching sex-you just have to give your body the extra time it now needs to get aroused (or find a sexual lubricant that works for you). You should also consider speaking with your ob-gyn to find out what your options are for dealing with hot flashes, night sweats, fatigue and other menopausal symptoms that are making you feel less than sexy.
Photo: Julio Viard / Thinkstock
Overworked
Unhappy at work? Here's a new argument for finding a new job: A University of Wisconsin study found that it isn't how many hours you work, but how much you enjoy it, that affects your sense of sexual satisfaction. But logging 12- to 16-hour days-even at a job you love-can leave you so exhausted that all you want to do after work is go straight to sleep. Keep the spark in your relationship alive by sending quick, flirtatious text messages to your partner during the workday. After you come home, spend time unwinding (at least 20 minutes) by enjoying a glass of wine, going for a walk alone or chatting with your partner. "Use this transition time as a distinct break from work that will leave you relaxed enough to make time for lovemaking later on," says Dr. Schwartz. "When taking transition time isn't possible, lower the lights and soften the music to create a more sensual atmosphere." Photo: Tom Perkins / Thinkstock
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Job Loss
When you first learn you've been laid off, you may be too stressed about finances-and by the blow to your sense of self-to respond to sexual overtures. So how do you get your mojo back after receiving a pink slip? "While you're looking for new work, recreate yourself outside of what you do for a living," recommends Dr. Hartzell. "Pursue old hobbies, explore new ones, get involved in your community and take joy in reinventing yourself. Studies show that if you boost your confidence and sense of accomplishment, this will in turn boost your sex drive." Photo: iStock
Foreclosure
Losing your home can shatter your sense of self, but once the initial shock subsides, there are ways you can get over the stress and depression and open yourself up to having sex again. You can enjoy date nights that are intimate yet still affordable, such as an evening spent making a candlelit dinner together. You can also foster closeness by working with your partner to develop a list of ways to simplify your life and to prevent further financial problems. "Gaining control over money can help you regain your sense of self and your sense of sexuality," says Dr. Hartzell, as can gaining control over your physical space. Even if you've had to move in with in-laws or find roommates, figure out where-and when-you and your partner can still enjoy sex. "Make sure the place you're now living has space for you to celebrate your intimate relationship," says Dr. Queen. "And note that this is a great way for you to christen your new home." Photo: Shutterstock
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An Affair
"You'll likely be too hurt and angry after your partner confesses infidelity to even want to have sex," says Dr. Schwartz. But if you decide to stay together, you can work with a counselor-and with each other-to understand why it happened, reestablish trust and rebuild your relationship in a healthier way. Dr. Queen recommends assessing what will make you feel most appreciated, loved and desired going forward. "Tell your partner what those things are and find out what they are in your partner's case, too." Eventually, having sex can help the two of you regain emotional intimacy. Photo: Shutterstock
Death of a Loved One
As you mourn your loss, it's essential that you communicate your grief so your partner is aware of it and will be patient with you when it comes to resuming sex. "Tell him how you feel so he can get a sense that you are suffering and not just rejecting him," says Dr. Schwartz. "Then make time together to share what makes you feel alive and happy even as you are honoring your loss. A one-time event, such as a hiking trip, or a change in your routine, like adopting a puppy, can help you bring back the joy from which sexual energy flows. And when you're ready to have sex again, know that studies show that physical intimacy can help relieve depression and emotional pain." Photo: Marcus Lindstrom / Thinkstock
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Weight Gain
"Overeating can be a physical response to stress and a psychological defense that shuts down your sensuality when you're coping with crises," says Dr. Hein. Whether you shed the weight or suddenly surge six sizes, "love your body and treat yourself like a sex goddess," says Dr. Queen. Dress beautifully, nourish yourself and work out; research shows that eating well and exercising daily can help you feel stronger, healthier, happier-and thus more secure in your sexuality. And, as you regain confidence in your body, trust that you are still the woman your partner fell in love with-regardless of what you happen to look like at any given moment. It's your smile, your spark and your soul that drew your partner irresistibly to you and that's not gone just because the needle on the scale has budged one way or the other. "Physical appearance is just one part of what makes us attractive," says Dr. Hein. "But communicating your love-and sharing that love-is the sexiest experience that two people can share." Photo: George Doyle / Thinkstoc
Article originally appeared on WomansDay.com.
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