Relationship Advice that Couples Therapists Actually Use Themselves

By Tori Rodriguez

With an abundance of relationship advice in constant circulation, it can be tough to know who to listen to.
Sometimes it's best to go right to the source-which is exactly what we've done. If you've ever wondered which tips marriage therapists use most in their own relationships, we have the inside scoop. Check out these top tips couples counselors commonly put to practice with their own mates. Photo by Getty Images

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1. Have a tension-tamer on standby. After you've been with your sweetie a while, you can tell when tempers are about to flare. Use that awareness to be proactive: Therapist Meredith Albert, LCSW, suggests being prepared with a go-to phrase to bust tension as soon as it starts to rear its ugly head. "I use the phrase 'Are you sassin' me?' or 'Okay, Sassy," and we both can't keep a straight face," she says. "We end up laughing and smiling at each other and whatever we were about to argue about seems a lot less threatening."

2. Overcome your L.D.D. (Listening Deficit Disorder). The familiarity of long-term love can make us think we know everything about our mate and can make us lazy listeners. "Whole-hearted listening is the greatest gift you can give your partner: drop the defensiveness, and listen only to understand, without interrupting or correcting," says psychologist Harriet Lerner, PhD, author of the The Dance of Anger: A Woman's Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, and Marriage Rules: A Manual for the Married and the Coupled Up. "Enter the first conversation only to listen and understand, and save your defenses and differences for another conversation."

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3. Be real. Many of us believe we're supposed to have everything figured out before we talk about it-not so. It can be a huge relief to simply fess up that you're confused, scared, or at a loss for words, says psychotherapist Eddie Reece, MS, LPC. The advice he often gives that he also uses the most is to be vulnerable: "Admit you don't know what you're doing, or that you're afraid to talk about some things," he says. "I know that opening my heart will never be comfortable, and the best I can do is become comfortable with being uncomfortable."

4. Extend the olive branch. As hard as it may be, the difficulty of apologizing is no match for how much it can benefit your relationship. The words "I'm sorry" may even be more important in a marriage than "I do." Being right can be a lonely place, but making amends doesn't have to be an all-or-nothing scenario: "You can say, 'I'm sorry for my part of the problem' even if you're secretly convinced that you're only 28% to blame," says Dr. Lerner.

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5. Know your bottom line. As with physical fitness, flexibility is key, but it's pretty useless without some strength to balance it out. "All relationships spiral downward if you have an 'anything goes' policy," says Dr. Lerner. "Be flexible in changing for someone you care about, but don't sacrifice your core values, beliefs and priorities under relationship pressures." To minimize these kinds of issues, be sure that you know where you stand in those areas, and clearly communicate to your partner where your line is before it gets crossed.

6. Stay fresh. You know it helps to remember the things that first attracted you to your spouse, but it's also important to remind them of why they fell in love with you. The old-time expression "dance with the one who brung ya" resonates with Reece. "In my marriage, that means be true to the one I'm with." he says. "It's important to spend time with my wife having fun, being playful, sharing quiet times and 'dating'-never stop dating."

7. Mind your money issues. Money is the main topic of conflict for couples, says Mary Gresham, PhD, a financial psychologist in Atlanta. She has found that a temporary role reversal can help. "If you've made the common mistake of dividing roles into the daily money manager for one spouse and the long-term, big-picture money manager for the other partner, reverse roles for a month and get an understanding of your spouse's point of view." You might find the new arrangement to be a better fit, and you'll at least come away with a deeper appreciation of your mate's efforts.

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8. Jump ship before it sinks. It can do more harm than good to stubbornly insist on seeing an ugly argument through to its bitter end. "Exit a conversation that's clearly going downhill or is at your expense," as soon as possible, says Dr. Lerner. You can say, 'I'm giving myself a time out from this conversation,' or, 'I'm here to listen when you get out of debate mode and can talk to me calmly." Figure out a practical escape route: locking yourself in the bathroom might add fuel to the fire, but a walk around the block can't hurt.

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9. Be independently happy. Instead of expecting your spouse to anticipate and feed your every need, make sure that you're getting nourishment from other sources, too. "Have a life that's yours apart from your partner, doing things you enjoy and being with other people so that you have something to share when you're together," says Reece. "That way you feed each other from places that are full rather than just wanting something from your partner from a place that is empty."

10. Know thyself. As crucial as it is to nurture your relationship with your spouse, friends and family, the most essential connection is the one you have with yourself, so continue to explore who you are. "Do all you can to know yourself-what you want and like, and don't want or like -and be honest about it," says Reece. The better I know myself, the better I can share who I am versus sharing who I wish I was or some part of me who is hidden from my view-usually a part of me who isn't as kind as I think I am!"

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