Sex and Intimacy -- Which Comes First?

It seems common to hear women complain about a lack of intimacy in their relationship. Many men complain that there is a lack of sex in their relationship.
Isn't is the same thing? No, it isn't.

What most women are looking for is a deeper connection to their partner. They want to feel emotionally intimate with him first and foremost. Then, sexual intimacy comes more naturally, more often, and with more enthusiasm.

Emotional intimacy is a willingness to self-disclose; to share feelings, wants, needs, desires, fantasies and our inner most thoughts. It is being "in the moment" with one another. Being willing to share these things involves taking risks. The risks are being rejected, criticized, dismissed, laughed at, ignored, or told we are wrong, not good enough, or even stupid. Many of us are afraid of true emotional intimacy.

However, if we have a partner who will not criticize, ignore, or basically reject our self-disclosures, we can feel safe enough to open up and share on an intimate level. Men don't typically do this as often or as deeply as women. It isn't because they are not capable of it, but many times it is because they don't always see it as necessary.

On the other hand, most women do see emotional intimacy as a necessary part of a relationship. They may not always be very good at it and they may also fear it but they recognize the benefits of it when it occurs. Most importantly, they feel differently--closer to their partner and more connected. This helps them feel more comfortable with the vulnerability sexual intimacy requires. Great sexual intimacy takes mutuality, trust, respect, security and a positive regard for one another.



Linda Peterman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice in Tampa, Florida. I specialize in couples counseling, relationships, communication, parenting, domestic violence and other issues pertinent to mental health and happiness. http://www.counselingtampa.com/contactus.html



Follow her blog at http://shine.yahoo.com/blog/KXY2HTFBA7KPUPKRG4PJ7ACULY/;_ylt=AvPQW9E4z8qBIyf3t6JYgopabqU5