ME: Here's food for thought: I have a double jointed jaw.
By Virginia Plain for HowAboutWe
Editor's note: Virginia Plain is the pseudonym of a twenty-something woman living in New York grappling with a less than ideal sex life. Read her previous posts here.
You know what you don't expect on a Sunday morning? To get a sext from a guy you haven't talked to in weeks. That happened this past weekend, and honestly I'm not sure what to make of it. Since my split from Real Estate a few weeks ago, things have been pretty blissfully quiet. I guess I've been nursing my love wounds but really, I've never felt better or been happier. You don't think of a break up as being such a positive thing, but for me it truly has been. As I mentioned before, I'm writing about music for fun now and I've been meeting so many interesting and exciting people (not just guys, mind you). It's so nice to be out in the world and to feel alive.
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But, as you might suspect, having had abysmal sex for years I'm also feeling pretty horny too. Truth be told, I can't really imagine hooking up with anyone right now. I want to, but I can feel in my heart I'm not really ready for that. So this little Sunday morning sexting rendezvous couldn't have come (ha!) at a better time. I had gone out to a show Saturday night, partied very late, and was looking forward to a lazy Sunday that almost certainly wouldn't start before noon. Around ten my phone buzzes. I grab it and see a smily face emoticon from none other than Rock God. I hadn't heard a peep from him in weeks so I was pretty surprised. After a bit of playful banter, I told him I was tired and I wasn't planning on getting out of bed anytime soon. To which he replied, "That's ok. Pleasuring you for hours on end takes time."
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I'm sorry, what? This from the boy (I remind you Rock God is only twenty-one), who previously only ever wanted to talk about cuddling and making out in the back of cars. High school stuff. I was taken aback, and ok, kind of turned on. I wasn't doing anything else and I'd never sexted with anyone before so I thought, why not? What I didn't expect was for this to go on all day long. Like through breakfast, getting dressed, a walk around the park and a stop at the coffee shop long. I wish I could transcribe the whole exchange because it's pretty hilarious, but in the interest of brevity, here are a few choice highlights:
: I'm thinking of a number between 68 and 70...
OMG! That's the only math problem I was ever good at. I always get it right.
I have quite a desire to bend you over right now.
Well I'm very bendy so that should work.
Your mouth doing certain activities is quite a good thought.
Here's food for thought: I have a double jointed jaw. Very bad for hamburgers. Useful otherwise.
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Wanna come here and show me your double jointed jaw?
How bout you come here and I'll let you occupy my Wall Street?
I'll fill the whole street up!
Good, the movement relies on a big turnout.
Well I've got a large base of support.
I want to do you from behind right now. You can choose which way you want it if you catch my drift
Should probably do both. It's more egalitarian.
Now, I didn't actually read that last text so I didn't catch his drift. When he started waxing poetic about anal I gingerly steered the conversation back to more witty fare. This was so much fun! And I was good at it. If sexting is all sly remarks and veiled references, I am all about it! Of course, it isn't though. Through the "conversation" he begged for me to send him a picture which I wouldn't do. That makes things a little too real and of course I don't actually know this guy at all. Maybe I'll send him something tame later, but for right now he'll have to settle on words.
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The funny thing is, while all this was happening and as graphic as it got, it never felt really sexual. Ok, fine, I admit it. I totally jacked off about half way through, but I probably would have done that anyway because that's what weekend mornings are for. But really, thinking up pithy comebacks was more exciting than the actual content of the conversation. Talking about putting a dude's giant dick in your mouth is very different from actually doing it; just doesn't have quite the same zing. I guess we'll have to see if it happens again, but for right now I'm thinking of it as a very promising start to a bright and wild sexual future. Here's hoping!