Sexpert Julie: How to Ignite Your Sexual Desire
Our new sexpert, Dr. Julie Elledge teaches us what turns women and men on, and how to channel that in your relationship.
-Julie Elledge, Ph.D., BettyConfidential.com
Does a moonlight walk on the beach followed by snuggling together in front of a crackling campfire with your lover get you in the mood to make love? Or, do you prefer a hot sweaty nooner in the backseat of the car in the shopping mall parking lot?
It is a curious subject of what stimulates sexual desire, and perhaps one of the most common reasons that couples seek counseling. When the stars align and both partner's sexual desires are in sync, it can lead to some exceptional sex. But, when two people don't have the same cravings, it can cause deep injury to the individuals and the relationship. It doesn't have to be that way. The root of the problem is a lack of understanding the nature of sexual desire.
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Deep inside the primitive brain is the urge to mate. The sex drive doesn't discriminate with who -- that comes through the more developed aspects of the brain, attraction and commitment. These three systems work together and separately depending on how the nurturing went. Life experiences like family, church, school, friends, gaming, movies, books, and community all help to shape how these drives express themselves in each of us. With so many variables, how can we possibly come to the committed relationship with identical sexual desires? From your rich history, your sexuality has been forming and it gets to come to bed with you. So what does that mean to sexual desire?
What stimulates your sexual desire is going to be different from your partner. Now there is good news here. Often your man is turned on by your desire and you are probably turned on by your man's desire for you if you give it a chance. Remember your kindergarten training? Taking turns in bed is a good idea, but this is not just about social skills. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. How do you turn on your sexual desire?
Intimate Scenarios
For some, intimacy gives rise to intimate sexual desire. Remember the beach example? That would be considered an intimate scenario along with romantic dinners, a good chick flick, slow massage, bathing together, holding hands, or looking into each others eyes and expressing love. Romance drives the intimate scenario. It affirms the love and commitment between the couple. Think of intimate scenarios as one bridge into desire.
Erotic Scenarios
For others, the invitation to erotic sexual desire comes through erotic scenarios. An erotic scenario emphasizes the differences between the individuals. What pleasures you and what pleasures him rules the scenario with role play, sex toys, light bondage, or sexual intrigue like almost getting caught in the shopping mall parking lot.
While the erotic scenario is all about you and him, and a little emotional distance, the committed couple understands that the sexual play inside the erotic scenario lives in the moment. And while the sexual play is not intimate, the act of revealing your most private erotic thoughts and imagination to your committed partner is extremely emotionally intimate. It takes a great deal of trust in your man that he is not going to reject, humiliate or shame you when your erotic self is revealed -- and this applies to your man as well. It takes a great deal of trust in yourself that if a sexual proposal is rejected, it won't crush your sense of self. When the trust between a couple is too fragile to expose their sexual urges, they become disconnected from each other, weakening their emotional bond.
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Couples who enjoy both intimate and erotic sex are sexually versatile, enjoying the security of intimacy and the satisfaction of eroticism. Couples with desire problems often fight about which kind of sex to have, either intimate or erotic sex. Their low sexual versatility driven by a fear of either intimacy or eroticism is rooted in early sexual experiences, family dynamics, cultural messages or any other number of influences. Opening up and becoming more sexually versatile can help to heal emotional injuries between you and your man.
Most couples oscillate between intimate and erotic scenarios, sometimes in a single night of passion (back to taking turns). Not everything your partner wants to do is going to be as exciting for you to do, but being receptive and generous goes a long way in a relationship.
And yes, there are times that the reality of an erotic scenario doesn't stand up to the erotic imagination. Being able to laugh together goes a long way. Sometimes, one person wants to do something that makes the other person uncomfortable. Making the best of what is available between you and not fixating on what is out-of-bounds goes a long way in a commitment. Each relationship is distinctive in how they balance intimate scenarios versus erotic scenarios, but the ratio doesn't really matter as much as the willingness of each partner to honor the other.
Julie Elledge, Ph.D., LMFT is the co-author of the Lovers Exploration Guide, Developing an Intimate-Erotic Connection that is part of the Videos for Lovers series. She and Dr. Hicks teach their theory and treatment model through Academic Alley, a APA and CA BBS approved provider of continuing education units for mental health professionals.
