Sexpert Julie: Sexual Fantasies, To Share or Not to Share?
Sexpert Julie explains the concept behind intimate and erotic fantasies, and how to effectively share them with your partner.
By Julie Elledge, Ph.D., BettyConfidential.com
Do you harbor secret dreams of being a maiden in distress who is rescued by a knight in shining armor on a white horse? Or, are your dreams a little more naughty, maybe having a forbidden tryst in the copier room with your co-worker, or two?
All people fantasize. Masters and Johnson famously said that ninety-five percent of people say they fantasize and the other five percent are lying. Fantasy is a healthy source of sexual arousal and interestingly enough, occurs most often in people who show the fewest sexual problems and the least sexual dissatisfaction (Leitenberg, 1995).
Fantasy is the use of sexual images to create arousal. Is it any surprise that men's fantasies tend to be more visually explicit, whereas women's lean toward romantic and emotional themes (Zurbriggen & Yost, 2004)? It matches up nicely with other researchers who found that men prefer sexually explicit images while women prefer storytelling (Fisher, 1992).
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There are two types of fantasies that people indulge in, intimate and erotic. Intimate scenarios are romantic in nature and tend to create emotional stories, like being stranded on a tropical island where a gorgeous hero comes to your rescue and makes love to you. Now, if you put a group of people watching the two of you on that beach, then it becomes an erotic fantasy.
Here is where fantasy can get a bad name. No one is going to look at you like you're crazy if your fantasies are romantic and emotional. But, when your fantasies get to be dark and forbidden, they can be frightening and threatening to ourselves and our lover. Fantasies perplex us. Why, for example, do some strong, powerful women have sexual fantasies about being dominated or even raped?
Fantasies are not necessarily ideas that you secretly wish to come true. Having forbidden and dark sexual fantasies is normal. Having such fantasies does not mean that if you were to watch a video depicting a real woman being raped, or experience it, that it would be arousing to you. In Videos for Lovers, Jim and Patti (a real couple), Patti shares with her husband that she wants to be sexually ravaged by a group of men on a conference table. Jim is well aware of the terrible harm it would cause Patti if it were to happen in real life, but they are able to use the fantasy in their lovemaking. The couple understands that the fantasy allows them to play with the idea of power and dominance without suffering the real consequences, and that the fantasy does not represent a desire to act it out in real life.
Fantasy introduces the unfamiliar into the security and routine of commitment. Inside your commitment, fantasy releases the erotic imagination, creating novelty and distance. It recreates the mystery of a new romance, awakens the passion of your honeymoon, and reignites the uncertainty of the chase. And within the fantasy when your mind seeks what it can't have, the reward system in your brain lights up with the desire for the unobtainable (Fisher, 2008). In fantasy, you can see your man and yourself through new eyes -- you can now see what is hidden away during the routines of normal day to day living.
Should you share your fantasies with your man? Private fantasies allow you to superimpose forbidden and unobtainable otherness on your man without him knowing and feeling threatened. The question is, if you share your fantasy with your man, will he feel threatened, or will he find it arousing? The answer is very personal to you and your mate. It is so personal that what may have worked in one relationship may not work in the one you're in now.
On the one hand, if you have developed a strong anchor of trust, revealing fantasies to your man and your man revealing his to you, fantasy can be very intimate and can deepen trust. While Patti's (Video for Lovers Jim & Patti)fantasy of having sex with lots of men watching is not intimate at all, her husband Jim's choice not to judge her and understanding the difference between her erotic fantasy and her need to be treated with respect outside the bedroom (she did not want to be dominated or ravaged as she went through her day) was intimate.
To sum it up, even though the fantasy itself is erotic, the process of sharing something so private with your man and his ability to see you so clearly deepens the trust between you. Jim and Patti used her fantasy to create arousal in their sexual play inside the bedroom,and Jim recognized that Patti's needs outside the bedroom were far different. He was trustworthy with her erotic imagination in the bedroom as well as her personal and emotional safety both inside and outside the bedroom. The risky move to share her fantasy with her husband paid off for Patti because she had built a strong sense of trust with Jim and Jim was trustworthy with her emotions responding to her with respect and love, and a healthy dose of lust.
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On the other hand, where fantasies come from is very personal to your own sexual history, experience, and relationships. Fantasies can push the limits of your man and open up aspects of his mind that perhaps should be kept private -- that goes for you, too. Good social skills need to be used when choosing whether or not to keep your fantasies private and which fantasies to share.
For example, if you have a fantasy about the pool boy, it is probably better to not be specific and name your pool boy -- better to keep the fantasy general and be respectful of your mate's feelings. Don't expect to play out all your fantasies. If your man might feel threatened, rejected, humiliated, embarrassed or unsafe, then keep it private. If you do choose to share your fantasies, begin with less threatening fantasies and then be prepared for him to share his with you.
Accepting each other's fantasies and indulging in the exploration of the erotic imagination can be very stimulating and help keep the sexual desire thriving in your relationship (think of the sexual energy when you first met). Mapping each other's erotic mind is an intensely intimate process. The continual mapping of each other's erotic imagination stimulates ongoing sexual stimulation and satisfaction. When successful, this openness deepens intimacy and eroticism, generating higher levels of sexual versatility within your relationship. High sexual versatility arouses sexual desire that often wanes in committed relationships, but high sexual versatility folds the sex drive (the need for variety and novelty) into commitment, creating both novelty and stability in your relationship.
If you're going to open Pandora's treasure box of fantasies, be prepared for what you get. Fantasies can take you and your man into the recesses of each other's mind. Embracing all aspects of your man's erotic mind can be challenging, but don't you want him to embrace all of you? Consider for a moment how it would feel if your man asked your to bury part of who you are. Yes, both your intimate and erotic sexuality is part of who you are, and don't think that because it is intimate, rather than erotic, it is any easier for you or your man to share. Some men have a hard time revealing their need to be loved, validated, nurtured, healed, and comforted. It can be just as difficult to ask your man for those things as well.
True intimacy embraces both the intimate and the erotic. You want to be seen for who you are -- so does he -- not just the part that is comfortable for you to see. So here we go again, to share your fantasy, or not? It really is your decision.
Julie Elledge, Ph.D., LMFT is the co-author of the Lovers Exploration Guide, Developing an Intimate-Erotic Connection that is part of the Videos for Lovers series. She and Dr. Hicks teach their theory and treatment model through Academic Alley, a APA and CA BBS approved provider of continuing education units for mental health professionals.
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