Sexpert Julie: You May Want to Try Talking Dirty to Your Man
To unlock his emotions and rediscover your erotic side, it may be time to go outside your comfort zone.
- Julie Elledge, BettyConfidential.com
Your man wants to talk dirty to you and you're not sure that you like it. As if that's not enough, he also wants you to talk dirty to him! So why is this a turn off for you?
It all has to do with the stress of culture pitted against human biology. From a very young age, men are asked to disavow their intimate self with "real boys don't cry" (whose bright idea was that one?) and girls are encouraged to disown their erotic self when they are told that "nice girls don't…"
The truth is, boys do cry and girls do...
For boys, the story is a little easier. Emotions are contagious and you might have noticed that your man hates to see you cry. Your tears may be causing his well-trained composure to crack. That composure has its roots in his biological history of having to defend the family. It can feel pretty scary if you are facing a threat that might kill you (think tiger), and anger is a better state of mind and body to help you tap into your adrenaline. Blood pumps into your fists and thighs and your heart beats faster. Your whole body goes on alert focusing your senses on the danger, whereas sadness has the opposite effect. When unhappiness invades your body, you tend to close down so that you can contemplate what ales you. While both emotions are very functional in the right circumstances, danger calls for anger. It isn't hard to imagine why the man that fell down crying when the tiger attacked may not have survived in the gene pool.
Read Sexpert Julie: Understanding Why Men and Women Bond Differently
Fast forward to today: not many men are fighting tigers, but the legacy still remains. Since your man has been biologically and culturally conditioned to believe that it isn't manly to cry, he may be a little slow in making the connection to his sadness and other vulnerable emotions. He may have had to disavow his emotions to not show them. This leads to a disconnection between him and his intimate self. So, if your man gets mad when you cry, you can understand, he isn't mad at you. His wires are crossed.
Now on to the ladies. Women are given the message in so many subtle ways that it is not okay to be aggressive, much less lust after a man (or two). Wandering through history, consider how a man could know if that child that he's protecting is his child if your sex drive is driving you to be opportunistic? Well, if women were only interested in love and commitment and our sex drive could be killed off, then there would not be questions of paternity. The problem is, earlier in history, sex drive was important to the survival of the species, shaping women's (and men's) desire for sexual variety and novelty. Women do have erotic feelings, but the cultural legacy that women shouldn't have erotic desires still persists. To make things more complicated, most men want to see that womanly erotic persona in the bedroom - "A lady in the living room and a prostitute in the bedroom" - as the saying goes.
So, how do women reconcile this image of the "good girl" with her erotic self? Many women disavow their erotic self, sublimating their needs through socially acceptable channels like taking care of the kiddos (well, everyone else too) and favoring the maternal persona. It's easy to do. Your kids need you and will take whatever you have to give, but this does not help bonding with your man. It is no secret that often men feel left behind when the kids are born. Your man is left wanting for the wild sex that you both had BK (before kids).
It's understandable how this happens. Right after you have kids, your estrogen drops and your libido drops with it (while your man's testosterone and sex drive stay the same). You're overwhelmed with this new love in your life, and it takes time to adjust. Pretty soon, the PTA and car pool take over. You can't get caught doing it in the back seat of the car with your man. Someone might see you! That would be embarrassing to you and your kids. Poof goes your erotic self, left on the shelf.
Read Sexpert Julie: Is Your Sex Drive Hurting Your Relationship?
The problem is, the intimate self and the erotic self are central to your personality. Disowning one or the other means that you are losing an important richness in your life. You and your man are missing out on important bonding in your relationship. Your man is more comfortable with his erotic self and you are at ease with your intimate self. At first glance it looks like a wacky system, but on a deeper inspection, you will find a beauty in the organization.
The human being is very dependent. We need each other to grow, live and thrive. Your man can follow you into intimacy and you can follow your man into eroticism. There is something very sexy and intimate about letting your man take the lead. And there is something very endearing when he opens up and lets you see his vulnerability. That vulnerability is something special that he saves just for you (this is love and commitment at work).
Imagine how exceptional it is for him when you are willing to take the risk, and accompany him into a place that maybe you have never been? The funny thing about being sexually generous is, as your man leads you into being more erotic, he is becoming more vulnerable, exposing his erotic mind to you. As he feels safe, your man will in turn become more connected to his needs for intimacy (that spells romance).
Perhaps you don't like it when he talks dirty to you, but maybe you can explore a bit with him. If you open up and give it a fair chance, you might find that it leads to a place that you DO like. Don't forget that emotions are contagious - that includes sexual desire. His desire is likely to ignite yours if you give it a chance.
Julie Elledge, Ph.D., LMFT is the co-author of the
Lovers Exploration Guide, Developing an Intimate-Erotic Connectionthat is part of theVideos for Loversseries. She and Dr. Hicks teach their theory and treatment model throughAcademic Alley, a APA and CA BBS approved provider of continuing education units for mental health professionals.
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