Sexual Acts Just Better Left To The Movies
Oh, the movies. Gotta love 'em. They're so inspiring, taking seemingly real life situations and spicing them up with beautiful people, gorgeous landscapes and incredible sexual effects. Yes, you read that correct. Sexual effects! There is tons of sex in film (and media in general) today that is really just as far-fetched for real life as their death-defying leaps from buildings and lavish wardrobes they somehow can afford as newspaper columnists (coughcoughcarriebradshawcough). Now, I'm not saying these items are impossible or should be off limits. We all have lifestyles. All I'm sayin' is, as an average twenty four year old blogger just living a modern life in America, the following items have mild to serious complications and just need to be relegated to the same place we keep all things made of movie magic- our DVD collection.
Back Against The Wall- This position takes such a perfect ratio of height, size and strength I really don't feel like it's fit to be considered the standard position it is. I mean, think about it, this position is a science and it's just in every month's Cosmo like it's no big deal! You've got to have some serious strength training going on, good balance and weight allocation. The only thing this position has ever given me was a bad body image and the idea to get my man a gym membership for his birthday.
Hot Tubs/Pools- Let's set one thing straight, the water is not the issue. Getting it on while scrubbing down inthe shower? Fine! Great even! But exposing genatalia and your reproductive system to a myriad of foreign bacteria and amoebas that has been known to cause sexually transmitted infections, urinary tract infections and yeast infections to name a few? No thaaaank you! Also, just to really wrap it up, it usually rips up the inside of the vaginal walls caused by friction of thrusting in water so yeah, there's always that.
The Mile High Club- Let's just ignore the fact that you can getarrested for it and move on as if that isn't enough to worry about. I don't know how two even fit & trim adults can comfortably squeeze themselves into a space half the size of a hall closet, let alone maneuver in there without turning on & off the facets a couple times or hitting your head on something. If the claustrophobia doesn't get you, keep in mind, YOU'RE IN A BATHROOM teeming with all sorts of friendly types like e.coli, salmonella, Staph Aureus and shigella.
The Beach- Although in some distant fantasy this may have sounded like a good idea, the reality is I have a hard enough time keeping sand out of my bikini bottoms when I'm just laying there tanning let alone getting busy on the shoreline. And maybe you're like, So what! A little exfoliation never hurt anybody! True story but there's no washing off the bacteria found on the sand, which is washed up from the tide (definitely not as clean as your laundry detergent) that has been known to cause typhoid fever, hepatitis A and dysentery, which I hear are not that sexy.
CONTINUE READING AT INTENT.COM FOR MORE MOVIE MANEUVERS TO BE PUT TO BED!
Written by Marissa Ross for Intent.com
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