She Said/He Said… Turn a 1st Date into a 2nd (or 4th)

by Screwing The Rules Dating Coach and Flirting Expert Laurel House

Why She Said/He Said, instead of He Said/She Said? Because "She" comes first…

Feel free to submit basic dating/relationship questions that you would like the female/male perspective on and Steve and I will address them…

You know me… I'm Laurel House- your Dating Coach and Flirting Expert. You might not know Steve Hansen. He is a Life Coach, Online Dating Profile Photographer, and the "He Said" to my "She Said." This is the first of what will be an ongoing "She Said/He Said" series.

SHE SAID

Afraid to reveal too much on a first date for fear that it will turn him off? Or maybe you think that he/she hasn't proven worthy yet of such privileged information. Keep thinking that way and keep enjoying first dates. If you want to move on to the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and quickly into a committed monogamous relationship, then pull down your walls and prepare to get raw. Because the first date isn't just a measure of chemistry. It's about connection. Sure, love may be blind, but chemistry can be blinding.

If you view your first date as merely an opportunity to determine if you are chemically drawn to each other, or if you have shared interests, you are either A: Setting yourself up for fast burnout fireworks as opposed to an enduring flame, or B: Throwing your date away. How? That initial hit of chemistry can be exciting! The problem is that it might make it so that you don't see (or you choose to ignore) their core values- the rooted characteristics that define a person and that must align in order to create a truly deep bond. On the other hand, you're throwing your date away if you stick to "safe" subjects like "what kind of vacations do you like to take?" "Oh you hike Inspiration Point too?" "What is the last concert that you saw at the Bowl?" Sure, shared interests are great on the surface, but if you're looking for a substantive relationship your conversations should reflect that desire. So what do you do? Go deep.

The easiest way to create a real connection that forms a foundation to fall in love- deep, hard and fast, is by being vulnerable. Yes- opening your heart… even on the 1st date.

-Tell stories that reveal your core values.

-Be totally yourself- quirky, witty, funny, intellectual, or whatever it is that makes you unique and interesting.

-Ask the most important question: "Why?" "Why" digs into the impetus behind decisions and life markers. It's a question you can tack onto almost any other mundane question and suddenly transform it into something substantive and revealing. It helps you understand each other's perspective and point of view. Why does he think that way? Why does she feel that way? Why does he have an interest in that topic? It's not just about communication, it's about learning about each other.

-Pull your walls down and expose an experience from your past that may have been painful, something you regret, something you're not proud of. That's not to say that you should be a bummer and dwell on your old issues. Talk about what happened, expressing true emotion around it, then bring the conversation back up by explaining what you learned and how you are better or more evolved because of it. By sharing first, you are creating an environment of trust and safety, allowing your date to go equally deep. Now you are bonding on a core level- which is where true feelings are formed.

…and…

HE SAID

If you really want to get past the superficial first date questions, you've got to break past the defenses. First off, share something you're passionate about or tell a revealing story from your childhood that you can both look back on and laugh. Obviously these are anecdotal and short to begin opening the door. We're all very different when it comes to how comfortable we are sharing, but discussing family and upbringing can be a great indicator of who they are without being too obtrusive. After you dive into the topic, keep your ears open but also your eyes. The content of their reply is helpful and necessary for follow up questions, but the real reveal comes from the energy in their response. Watch for shifts in body language and listen closely for fluctuations in tone as they explain the relationship they have with their brother, father, sister, mother, aunt or grandparents. If they're an only child for example, ask if they wish they'd had brothers and sisters or if close friends filled that void sufficiently. Maybe they appreciated the lack of sibling rivalry and pointless arguments over who does what chores and who was staring- you get the idea. So much of who we are is a direct correlation of how we were brought up and what kind of relationships we had with friends and family. A family and upbringing is one of the keys to an instant and deep understanding of the person you're engaging with. Once you're able to understand someone at that level, you now have the ability to more accurately communicate and share with them a little more about yourself and the similarities and differences between the two. As you begin to open up and be a little more vulnerable, they're much more apt to get into a passion filled conversation and skip the discussion on the latest weather trends.

xx Laurel and Steve


Laurel House and Steve Hansen- Dating Coaches
Laurel House and Steve Hansen- Dating Coaches

Laurel House is an international Dating Coach and Flirting Expert, MTV's MADE "It Girl" Mentor, 4x published Lifestyle Author, and a go-to Expert on E! News. She recently completed her 5th book "Screwing The Rules: The No-Games Guide to Love," which will be released in December 2014 with Running Press.

With over 12 million views on YouTube, Laurel has created a platform to deliver dating and healthy lifestyle tips to the masses. Laurel is a featured expert in Marni Battista's "Find Love Now" coaching program. Her dating tips appear on CupidsPulse.com, YourTango.com, SheKnows, DigitalRomance.com, Giuliana Rancic's FabFitFun.com, and a lot more. Because of her edgy, honest, and wide-ranging advice, she is often referred to as the modern-day Ann Landers (and sometimes the writer version of Taylor Swift).