Shh! Secrets of a Man's To-Do List

One guy defends the (slightly out-of-order, subject-to-delay, not-so-detail-oriented) way he gets things done. By Aaron Traister, REDBOOK

We modern men have a lot of responsibilities--but we approach them a little differently than you women do. At the end of a week, I look at the big picture: Are my kids happy and safe? Did I do some writing? Will Karel continue being my wife for another week? Everything else is gravy. Here's how we guys keep our balls in the air, so to speak.

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I only have two children, and yet there always seems to be a birthday party in the offing. How is that possible? My main responsibility in Josie's party planning was to hand out the invitations, which I did a week late. I figured, if we invite 12 kids and only six show up because they've made prior engagements, is that really such a bad thing? Karel, though, believes in big parties with elaborate themes. This one involved Harry Potter and white balloons with owls drawn on them, pretzel-stick "wands" dipped in chocolate, and dressing the cat up like a house elf. That's her show. I worry about logistics like making sure a few friends show up and keeping the cat from peeing under the birthday girl's bed to protest its costume. That leaves me just enough time to toss my present to Josie into a paper bag and scrawl, "I love you" in Sharpie. I don't need to sign my name. She knows who wraps presents like that.

Hand out birthday party invitations. I know a lot of moms who think of working out as a luxury, the thing you'll do for yourself when everything else is all set. I get it; "I'll avoid type 2 diabetes next month" was my mantra for a long time. But these days, exercise clears my mind and helps me function like a normal earth human. I'm not avoiding the other things on my list--I'm making them possible.

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Hit the gym.
Just like birthdays, there always seems to be a parent-teacher conference, or an early dismissal, or something. Last week's early dismissal reminded me how hard it is to get things done when children are within 100 yards of you. So I brought a bottle of wine to the conference as a thank-you gift for taking my son for most of the day and trying to teach him stuff. Was it inappropriate? Probably. Did Noah's teacher accept my offering? You betcha.

Noah's parent teacher conference.
I can't stand shopping for toilet paper and toothpaste. I would wait until we'd been forced to use shampoo as hand soap for a few days before making a Target run. This drives Karel crazy, so she buys that kind of stuff. On the other hand, she hates shopping for food. A lot of moms feel that way--too many scarring memories of shopping with a toddler? The stress of planning meals? I don't know, because I love it. It's a moment of weekly Zen. I go when the kids are in school, and I have a pastry and a cup of coffee at the store. I buy all the weird green vegetables that Karel uses to make my arteries work, plus Nutella (shh). I also get the right kind of bacon. I don't know where Karel finds it, but somehow she procures "healthy bacon." It tastes like bacon-shaped cardboard. Seriously, it's like prop bacon.

Buy more food. This was a last-minute add to the list, because the dog ate my secret stash of Nutella, all of it. Half a day and six hundred dollars later, I'm wondering why we decided to get a dog.

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Go to the vet. Oh, it was so smart to schedule the guy to come and tear up our rugs and do our floors right before Josie's party, on a day when the kids have another early dismissal and I'm on deadline. This was a stroke of planning genius. Because there is nothing more relaxing or helpful than having workmen in your house. Just because guys have a schedule or a to-do list doesn't mean we actually consult either before adding stuff to it.

Floor guy on Friday.
As you can see, I have created an environment and routine that is nicely conducive to quiet concentration. That's why I'm able to bring you the highest-quality relationship insights every month. Ha. You guys should consider it a miracle you get complete sentences and 800 correctly spelled words. Work-life balance achieved! Sorry, the dog's puking, gotta go.

Write column.


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