Should You Get Back Together With Your Ex?

Experts weigh in if you should give your ex a second chance - and share the three rules you must follow, if you do decide to go another round.

By Korin Miller

Shakira just announced on her blog that she and her boyfriend of 11 years are taking a break and "view this period of separation as temporary." But admit it: Whenever you hear about a couple planning to get back together, "Yeah, that'll last" often comes to mind. If a relationship ends, it's obvious there were problems, and it's hard to imagine things going any more smoothly the second time. That seems especially true if the split was awful. Shouldn't both people just learn from the experience and move on?

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Not necessarily, say experts. Yes, there may have been issues, but a serious time-out can make a couple stronger in the long run…if those issues are addressed and resolved.

That said, there are certain "rules of the repeat" that can help improve your odds of success in round two.

Related: 3 Rules To Get Over a Breakup

Go Slow

It's hard to slam on the brakes when you're making up for lost time, not to mention enjoying being so familiar with each other. But admit it or not, you've both changed and need to take time to get reacquainted.

"Try to look at it as a brand-new relationship," says relationship therapist Bethany Marshall, PhD, author of Deal Breakers. While you might be dying to fast-forward to cozy Saturday mornings in bed, it's important to stop and think about why you want to be together…just like you would while getting close with any guy.

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Be honest with yourself: If the idea of going to another party alone makes you cringe, you're more likely craving a quick fix for loneliness, not your ex, says Michael Broder, PhD, author of Can Your Relationship Be Saved? And sooner or later, you'll be saying "We need to talk" all over again. But if you can picture backpacking across Europe with him next summer - and he can too - your heart is probably in the right place.

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Touch on the Past

You split for a reason…even if it's hazy now. But you and your ex-ex need to face what went wrong the first time if you're going to move forward, says couples therapist Robert Buchicchio, author of Taking Space, and then let it go, once and for all.

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Try hashing out the bigger points of what you want to do differently this time in a way that isn't threatening, like "It would make me happy if…" and have him do the same. Then really act on it: If he couldn't stand your liberal definition of arriving "on time," make a point to be early. And if your hot button was not getting a text when he was out late, call him out if he trips up again. Just pick your battles when it comes to past issues or you'll be back where you started.

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And Then Move On

The upside of having split once is it probably over made you stronger. "Every time we break up with someone, we learn how to have our own lives," Marshall says. So whether you went skydiving or dated someone else, you gained a new perspective that only makes you better this time…for both of you.

As for what (or whom) you did during your split, it's best not to go into excruciating details, Broder advises. Instead, focus on the great time you're having together now…not then.

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