Straight Talk: “What do you call a gay a person’s significant other?”

Q: It seems to me that the language keeps changing on what gay men and lesbians call their significant others. The word "partner" seems more and more common, but I think it's confusing: Business partner or life partner? And even some couples who have found a way to participate in legally binding same-sex marriages don't like "husband" or "wife"! Do you have any advice on where to begin with this tricky issue before I insult my gay friends by using the wrong term to describe their relationship?

A: Yes, it's confusing. Perhaps one day the titles gay people use for each other will be more standard - but that probably won't be until legal marriage is permitted in all 50 states. So, for now, there certainly are a lot of options in play these days; one thing's for sure, many lesbians and gay men folks feel pretty strongly about what they don't want to be called.

The key thing here is to pay close attention to the way gay couples introduce each other or describe their relationship to you or others. Did Juanita introduce Louise as her "wife?" Then, you should follow suit. Regardless of the legal status of their relationship, you may hear such choices as boyfriend/girlfriend (even if together for a long time), partner or life partner, spouse, lover, significant other, husband/wife, and no doubt others. There are no bonus points to you for creativity in this area, but it's definitely considerate of you to think twice about this issue since the language we use to describe our relationships - gay ands straight -- has significant symbolic, if not legal, overtones.

(By the way, if you're not sure of a particular couple's preferred way of referring to each other, ask them. This is nothing to be embarrassed about; in fact, it's respectful. By asking, you're simply making it clear that your friends' choice in this area matters to you.)

For instance, you might ask your friend Joey, "What should I call Alonzo? Your 'partner' -- or do you prefer some other title?" Or if you're talking to them together, try this, "How do the two of you like to be introduced?" That should pretty much do the trick.

After you've nailed it, know that these terms will often change over time. A "girlfriend" may become a "partner" or a "lover" turns into a "husband." Or, gay people are allowed to marry in all 50 states and "husband and husband" and "wife and wife" become the default for seriously committed couples. So listen up!

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Steven Petrow writes regularly for Shine and is the author of "Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners." Got a question? ask@gaymanners.com