Straight Talk: My husband’s says he's gay: What should I do?

Q: My husband of many years has just dropped the bomb that he's attracted to men. I'm a mess but sort of frozen in my tracks. What should I do? What should I say?

A: As hard as it is for one partner in a relationship to come out to the other as gay or bisexual, receiving this news can be awful hard, too. No doubt, your husband gave this coming out conversation a lot of thought beforehand, but I am sure the pronouncement caught you off guard - even if you had harbored some suspicions along the way.

If you're angry, my advice to you is to go ahead and let it out, within reason of course. He may insist you "Don't cry," or "Don't be angry," but bottling up your feelings now is a bad idea. On the other hand, after an initial conversation, consider taking a break from each other so that you can both mull over what's happening. You may want time alone or you may want to reach out for the support of a friend or another family member at this point.

You didn't mention children, but if there are any involved, this is a good time to discuss with your husband whether or not they will be told (now or later).

Next up, you'll likely have some questions for him, along the lines of: "Do you want to stay married?" Or: "Do you want to get a divorce?" Or: "Do you want to tell other family members? ("And what do you want to tell them?") Be sure not to cede your own power and authority in making these decisions: Ask yourself what's best for you.

Finally, consider contacting your local PFLAG chapter (Parents, Friends of Lesbians and Gays at pflag.org) or the Straight Spouse Network (straightspouse.org), which provides support and information to married folk in your precise situation. This unfortunately being a well-trod path, there is a wealth of advice to take advantage of, not to mention the possibility of meeting others like yourself who have gone through this nightmare already and eventually put it behind them. Good luck.

Send your questions to Steven Petrow at queeries@live.com or visit his web site, www.gayandlesbianmanners.com.