Straight Talk: "Why were handholding lesbians asked to leave the mall?"

Q: I read recently about a lesbian couple who were asked to leave a shopping mall because they were being affectionate with each other in public. Not anything extreme - just handholding and a peck here and there. I can't imagine this happening to a straight couple, can you? What's your opinion of who was right and who was wrong?

A: I actually met this very nice couple soon after they had been ordered to leave Raleigh's Cameron Village Mall for being too affectionate in public. Here's what happened: They were sitting on a bench, and decided to hold hands and then, spontaneously, buss each other. A security guard passed by, but instead of thinking, "How sweet" she asked them to stop-and then ordered the women to leave the premises. They asked to see a supervisor, who agreed with the guard, and ejected the women from the mall even though they pointed out that they were being singled out. Of course, straight couples are allowed to be affectionate in public.

Not surprisingly, I often get questions from both gay and straight readers about what kind of PDA (public display of affection) is appropriate for same-sex couples. Usually, when gay people ask about this, it's because they want to be comfortable in public without drawing unnecessary attention to themselves. More often than not when straight folks ask me the question, it's because they think a particular pair of gay men or lesbians has strayed past the line of propriety.

The truth is that the rules about showing affection publicly are the same for gay men and lesbians as they are for straight people. Generally, handholding, eye gazing and light kissing are perfectly fine in public; groping, tongue kissing and touching below the waist are not. If there are any distinctions to be made, they're not based on sexual orientation, but rather on location. If you're in, say, a nightclub, bar or movie theater, the PDA rules are more relaxed than if you're in a church, at a family dinner or spending an afternoon at the mall.

Which is to say: The Cameron Village duo was behaving quite appropriately by any measure of the situation.

PDA is a delicate topic, but not really that hard to regulate as long as you're fair about it, which wasn't the case at Cameron Village. Years ago, I recall celebrating the winter holidays with my family and, just like my straight brother, I held hands from time to time with my then partner. I think we even kissed each other briefly (but certainly not open-mouthed) when we exchanged gifts. Late in the day, my mother took me aside and said sternly, "There'll be no touching in this house." I asked, "Does that apply only to Stan and me or to everyone, including the family heterosexuals?" My mom seemed to get it right away.

But the next chapter in the Cameron Village incident is also key: Management at the mall was quick to apologize, if only because of the tremendous Facebook outcry, which was obviously bad for business. In the apology, also on Facebook, the PR team insisted that its mall is a "friendly shopping center that welcomes the entire community," concluding with this statement: "[We're] committed to maintaining an open and welcoming environment for everyone."

All's well that ends well? Yes, the Cameron Village management has apologized and is bringing in sensitivity training to its workforce. That's the right thing to do, which is to say good civic manners. But let's also hope that this training goes beyond the superficial "do this, don't do that" and makes this act of bullying into a teachable lesson about fundamentally respecting others and treating LGBT people (and others perceived to be different) fairly. Like so many of the other LGBT public issues of the day, this one is about equality. We want the right to marry like any couple; we want the right to adopt kids like any couple; and yes, we want the right to hold hands on a bench in Cameron Village like any other couple.

What do you think?

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Steven Petrow is a regular contributor to Shine and the Huffington Post; he's also the author of the forthcoming, Steven Petrow's Complete Gay & Lesbian Manners (www.gaymanners.com).