The Difference

I read over my very first blog titled "Today Is A New Day". I needed a new day. I wanted a new day. Have I actually found it? The progression in my personal evolution is so subtle at times, I can not tell for sure.

Why am I blogging this concept of mind? I have no idea. My method of blogging is not that of the popular. Yet, in the background of my heart, I have a deep yearning that it would reach the hearts of many. Am I looking for attention? Maybe. As far as I know, I am behind a computer and within my own personal confines. One may never find attention in this. I'm not blogging to teach, that is for sure. I am blogging to share, if don't know anything else as to why.


Sigh. I did yoga. I prayed for wisdom and guidance. I'm living my life after a recent break up. I'm not sad nor hurt, but a little disappointed. I'm not regretful, but anticipating, with no expectancy, of what's to come. I sense a little bitterness, but not from becoming and ex. I feel this bitterness as I would with anyone in whom I discover to be selfish at heart. He loved me. I knew this, but his heart towards others were like murky waters. Yet, I find that I'm a frequent vessel used to extend my heart to those who need it most. This he could not take. What I thought God would deem as one of the ultimate service, my ex deemed as cause to despise and isolate himself from me in heart. Leaving behind %5 of himself for me. In that he called it "love". I call it patronizing.

I posted today on my Facebook wall "I have nothing to ask but that you would remove to the other side, that you may not, by intercepting the sunshine, take from me what you cannot give. ~Diogenes."

For me, it took a lot of patience to deal with him. This patience I learned through dealing with my lonely drunk of a neighbor, another needy neighbor who tries to take me for granted, friends in challenging situations that seek me for comfort and help, and even my children (whom I am still in need of getting better with). All in which he saw fit to distance himself from me. After all that was said and done, I almost feel like he took what was last of something he was willing to give.

While I find myself angry with him, I also notice that I don't blame him in full for MY personal feelings of disappointment. Was it not I who expected more from him who can not deliver? It is never easy to deal with difficult people, but I had mistaken his quietness to be like my own. Meaning, I am very much an introvert, but if you need me I'm there. Meaning, that I extend my heart the way I do, not because I really want to help you, but because I appreciate all that God has done for me, thus giving praise in my extension to you. I failed to remember that there is one me, none like me. However, I did expect that one attribute to be one that he possessed. If I didn't expect it before, I was surely noticing his lack thereof now.

For a long time I never knew why he was distancing himself. I really thought I had done something terrible. I tried to understand him. For the longest he hinted to me of his troubles, but never in a million years I would have thought the reason he gave would be cause to act the way he did. If anything I thought that he would had found appreciation in what could have been tempting reasons to complain, for in the complaints, lay the reason why I managed to love him so. Was that not something to be thankful to God for? Now I saw him as utterly ungrateful.

There are always going to be difficult people. Is it not our place to deal with them by first KNOWING that, we too, at times are difficult to deal with? I accepted that on his behalf. I accepted by sharing how I too found these people difficult and that he was not alone in how he felt towards them or even my issues in handling them. I never denied his right to feel what he felt. Everyone has a right to feel whatever feeling they do. Even his right to feel the need to distance himself. Feelings are not a lie, but they can often be unfair, unjust, and selfish. If that was his goal with God in life, then he had succeeded. But it was not mine, so I found a great need to correct it within myself.

With that being said, I will admit that I am being utterly selfish in continuing to angry with him for his right to feel. I deleted every message we shared with each other. I removed him from my contacts on Yahoo. I almost completely removed him as a friend on Facebook. All came after we officially agreed to call it off. He had given up tolerating my duty to love and I gave up tolerating him. I told him once to be mindful of the seeds that he sowed in life and that I was watering each one for him. I never thought that it would show up like this. I was doing to him what he was doing to me (and others around me) for the same reasons. In that I found understanding in why he distanced himself. I just felt bad that I had to learn it by feeling what I felt about him. I didn't feel bad for me. I felt sorry for him.

I never really thought of myself as the ideal girlfriend, yet, I was not the worst. While he was distancing himself, I was fighting for the relationship to the point of tears. When he left me in a line for a movie to converse with another woman, I only stated that he should had introduced us. When he offered to cook for another woman while telling me that I had to ask, I just questioned him as to why I personally had to ask. When he treated me like a dog that he could neglect for a period of time and come back to pet on the head when he felt like it, I continued in loyalty to spoil him. I never complained about the rudeness of him texting in my ear when we would talk on the phone. I never questioned him when he went to spend time with his female friends or even if he was texting them when we were together. I did not care. I loved him and trusted him not to hurt me in the department of cheating. However, he was hurting me in not returning the same unconditional love. If another woman was out there that could continue on with him in such a condition, only God knew. Besides his mother, I couldn't see it. Then again, as a child, he had a reputation for being highly intolerable. So much so, that his own parents did not know what to do with him. It would be no wounder that I wouldn't either.

The last time I found great disappointment in how someone treated me, I was tempted to treat them equally as bad. I always took to heart Matthew:17:12, which reads,"So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets". Unfortunately, I would also consider the temptation to do to others what I thought they were doing to me. In the case of my now ex, it was not my intentions, yet, the lesson I learned when I discovered that I could be vengeful in such a way on purpose came to haunt my thoughts "This is not the way to effectively to teach. You must show them how it should have been done". Had I not all this time? Yes I had. My ex just was not aware. Rather he would ever be aware was not as important to me as rather God was.

Now I was faced with a choice to either continue to distance myself after I told my ex that we could be friends (I would be just like him if I did), or I could do things differently. It was easy for me to distant myself. I was angry, still is. A part of me never want to talk to him again. Never wanted to see him again. I cried so much behind him. To see him made me more irritable and angry. I hated feeling this way. So how would I do things differently in my condition? I have many reason to be thankful for him still, but if I would continue to let him know and look past it all, I felt like was giving him fuel and reason to crush my heart once more. I hated that idea too. Now I live in the solitude of my prayers as what to do.

Is it even possible to do things differently? I don't know. Only time will tell.