The Dilemma: Your Cheating Questions, Answered!
By Ashley Mateo,SELF magazine
In Vince Vaughn's new flick, The Dilemma, the funnyman finds himself in an unfunny situation--his best friend's wife is cheating, and he's the only one who knows. What to do when caught in a cheating snafu? We've got answers.
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We've compiled advice from mental health expert Catherine Birndorf, author of Nine Rooms of Happiness, for tips on how to deal with any cheating scenario--whether you did, they did it or you caught someone else doing it!
My partner cheated. We worked things out, but lately I've been curious to see what else is out there. Is it a sign I should move on, or am I still angry?
Birndorf says: "First, let me ask this: What are you hoping to find that you don't have now? If you're primarily yearning for trust and security, you aren't over his infidelity. To make sure, let yourself fantasize about being with someone else and see where the dream takes you. If it ends with you taunting your partner and throwing the fabulous new relationship in his face, your feelings are more about unresolved anger than wanting a change. But if you see yourself with a different kind of person altogether, that may be an indication that you really do need to move on.
Draw up a list of pros and cons, enumerating the things you like and don't like about your current guy. Consider what he's willing to work on; if you feel his apology for the betrayal was sincere and that he won't stray again, you can be more charitable than if he apologized but seems to lack insight into what happened and why. In any case, I don't advocate cheating on him or retaliating, even though he did it to you. That would only further damage the relationship."
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I've been fantasizing about a colleague I often travel with on business. I have no plans to cheat, so what's going on?
Birndorf says: "To get to the root of your attraction, start by exploring why you're drawn to him: Is your busy schedule creating distance between you and your mate? If so, you might simply need to spend more quality time together. In the book I wrote with SELF editor-in-chief Lucy Danziger, The Nine Rooms of Happiness, we use a Venn diagram to show the ideal dynamic between partners, each represented by a circle. The circles should overlap a healthy amount, but it seems as if yours may be too far apart. By sharing more time and feelings, you can rebuild emotional intimacy. If deeper issues are at play (say, you feel your partner isn't paying enough attention to you), broach the topic directly. Once you tackle these challenges and commit to reconnecting, your coworker fantasies should fade."
I made a huge mistake by cheating on my boyfriend. I swore to him I'd never do it again and he has given me a second chance. How can I regain his trust?
Birndorf says: "The first step toward repairing your relationship is understanding why you strayed in the first place, so it doesn't happen again. Did you feel unhappy, dissatisfied or neglected? By identifying the reasons for your infidelity and addressing them with your boyfriend, you'll stand a better chance of moving forward together. You also have to accept that your partner is most likely feeling angry and hurt, which is natural. You don't have to let him walk all over you, but listen to his gripes, accept responsibility for what you've done and ask what you can do to make him feel more secure, such as checking in with him when you're out for the evening. Also, doing little things that mean a lot to him, like buying tickets to see his favorite band, for instance, will help restore his faith. Regaining his trust won't be easy or quick, but it is possible and your bond may end up stronger for it."
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I don't especially like my best friend's fiance, and it's threatening our friendship. Should I let her know how I've been feeling?
Birndorf says: "Unless you know that her fiance is cheating, lying or doing something to endanger your friend, I suggest you keep mum. You have little to gain by sharing your opinion (she's not suddenly going to realize that yes, her fiance is boring and pretentious), and you could end up losing a good friend. If you find him unbearable, remember, you don't have to socialize as a threesome. When making plans, tell her you'd love to have her to yourself."
Ask Birndorf your own happiness question!
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Photo Credit: WWD
