The Dos and Don'ts of Friending Your Ex... Online and Off
By Sarah Rae, BounceBack.com Editorial Staff
Friending your ex is tricky business. You hear people describe their break-up as an "amicable split" or "something both of us wanted." In fact, they're on their way to have drinks with their ex right now. But it doesn't have to be so amicable to find friendship with your ex. In fact, a little bit of venom is helpful when it comes to setting boundaries, and being too chummy can lead to more hurt and maybe even a second break-up.
Here are a few tips to striking the balance that could lead to lasting friendship on the web and in real life.
On the web:
• Do change your relationship status to Single. Saying something like It's complicated sends mixed signals to everyone, even yourself.
• Don't comment or hit the Like button in order to be supportive or show your friendliness. When you're stomping all over their posts, you give the idea that things aren't over between you. Furthermore, you shut out other potential contacts.
• Do limit what your ex sees on your Facebook or other social networks, if you feel you need to set those boundaries. You have a sense of whether your ex is resentful or ready to move forward. If you're afraid of making yourself an open book to your ex, follow your gut. Even with privacy options, they're still your friend.
• Don't tag or untag pictures of them. If they want to associate or dissociate themselves from those photos, they can do that on their own.
• Do wait for them to contact you on social networks. It's too public a setting to go reaching out. Settle for the simple fact that they haven't unfriended or blocked you.
Off the web:
• Do talk about being friends. It's important to kick that word around, even if it hurts their feelings. If you don't lay down the boundary between friendship and romance, you may find yourself having to rehash all the reasons you broke up in the first place. Your ex is getting mixed signals because you're spending time with them again. Incredibly, you can actually be forced to have a second break-up.
• Don't bring old expectations to the table. If it's worth being friends with your ex, you have to put aside the reasons you no longer wanted to date. Have friendly expectations. When she complains about work like she always did or he tells those jokes that you hate, don't respond like you did when you were dating. This is the new you, time to have a new reaction. Roll with it. If frayed nerves are getting triggered again remember: This isn't your partner anymore.
• Do extend an olive branch. Invite the ex to do something, and let the ball sit in their court. If they refuse, continue to make offers here and there. If you really want to be friends, it will take some resiliency on your part; don't take the rejection to heart. Everyone needs their own space after a breakup.
• Don't make too many commitments early on. For a long while, you shouldn't be making recurring plans with your ex; no Friday movie-nights, no bowling on Tuesdays, no brunch every Sunday. This kind of contact not only makes it confusing for the ex and people outside the relationship because it's too similar to when you were dating and it also fills up the calendar. You and your ex both need to do meet new people, do new things, and move on separately. You're not going to meet anyone new if you spend all your time with your ex.
• Do incorporate the ex into your circle of friends. Doing things with other friends, instead of one-on-one, can help reinforce that boundary between friendship and romance. Don't coddle them too much - make them mix and mingle.
Never buy into the idea that you have to be friends with all your exes or that you can't be friends with any of them. It's not black and white. Circumstances surrounding every break-up are different. Sometimes you do everything right and friendship still doesn't last. Being a friend sometimes means respecting that your ex doesn't want you involved in their life that way.
Are you friends with your ex? How did you make it work? Do you think exes can be friends after a breakup?
Sarah Rae is a writer and editor from New Orleans. She lives in Brooklyn, NY. More information can be found at www.sarahrae.net.
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