The Love Ref: 6 Little Insights that could save your marriage

Liz Brody

"Honey, get your dead, stuffed dog out of the living room!"

What a relief, we finally know we're right on this one. Thanks Jer.

I won't rehash, or rather re-gnash, Jerry Seinfeld's new show, The Marriage Ref, because numerous reviewers have already mauled it toward early TV death (here, judge the first episode for yourself). But what if, instead of couples arguing about keeping his taxidermied Boston terrier in the house, we had a show about real conflicts and winning insights?

Here's a preview, featuring spouses in the trenches sharing their best love Eurekas-those ordinary moments of genius that have helped turn their relationships into long running hits:



* THE MONOLOGUE
What drives you crazy: Your partner takes forever to get to the point-and no doubt he's made it before. You can see it coming for miles.

Love Light Bulb: This is from Mike Dougherty, a dog show judge and kennel owner in San Diego, who's been married 7 years: "I'll think I know where my wife is going, so I jump in the middle of what she's saying to hurry her along. Then I realized that it crushes her. So now, I tell myself, Mike, this is not a monologue, it's a conversation. It's really hard to do! But when I listen, I find out how much she has to say."


* THE RIGHT ANSWER
What drives you crazy: You know you're right, but he's so stubborn, he won't even consider your point of view.

Love Light Bulb: If you let go of who's right and who's wrong, and focus instead on what works (and yes, it can take an Olympic leap of faith), it can make all the difference. He still may be "wrong" but instead of wasting more energy in a no-win fight, you've found a solution you can move forward with. "Just this one thing can save a relationship," says Tina B. Tessina, PhD, who has been married for 27 years, and is author of Money, Sex, and Kids: Stop Fighting about the three things that can ruin your marriage.


*DID WE LOSE SOUND?
What drives you crazy: You're pissed at your sister or angry over something at work, so you spill, vent, even sob, hoping your husband will give you some support. Instead he sits there like a Roman ruin.

Love Light Bulb: It's not that he doesn't care, or isn't interested. He finds your outburst overwhelming, and doesn't know how to solve it. "I had this Aha with my husband," says Diana Kirschner, PhD, a psychologist who's been married for more than 25 years and is author of Love in 90 Days. "I would take it personally. But I realized he was being flooded by my emotions, that he was vulnerable. So now, even in the middle of an argument, I touch him, which helps soothe and ground him." You might also try telling him up front, "I just need you to listen. You don't have to do anything."


THE TALK SHOW
What drives you crazy: He does something that bugs you-it's the same thing he always does. You've hashed it over to death, but nothing seems to change.

Love Light Bulb: Sorry Oprah, you really don't need to talk about everything. "I'm not sure when it came to me," says Wendy Smith, a writer who's been with her husband for 30 years, "but sometimes you've said everything you've got to say. There are nights I'll go to bed and I'm not super happy, but I realize that talking about what happened is not going to make it better. Usually I wake up in the morning and wonder what I was so upset about."


THE MAKEOVER
What drives you crazy: He says he'll try to do something (be more communicative, less critical) but ultimately, he doesn't.

Love Light Bulb: We've all heard you "can't change another person" so no revelation there. But we can alter the dynamic, if we change, according to David Burns, MD, author of Feeling Good Together: The secret to making troubled relationships work. The key is to look at "his" problem and see how you might be contributing to it (nagging? demanding?) and experiment with trying something different.


THE SHOW MUST GO ON
What Drives you crazy: You're in a full-throttle argument and you're so upset you don't even know what you're upset about. You end up saying or throwing something you wish you hadn't.

Love Light Bulb: There's no law against standing up, walking into the next room, taking some deeps breaths, and being alone until you get some clarity. Your exit may jolt him into cooling down as well, you both may come back together with a new insight that draws you closer.

For more marriage wisdom:

Breaking out of your ruts

A course that prevents divorce?

If you need help