The Relationship Talk: Is it Always Necessary?
By Rosie Munger, BounceBack.com Editorial Staff
You have been spending a lot of time with your new date. It seems impossible that there could be room for anyone else. You feel like things are moving towards an exclusive relationship - maybe you're already there. You can just tell…or can you?
Whether or not to have a "define the relationship" conversation is always a dilemma. Often at least one person in the duo is dying to know what exactly is going on. Is he dating anyone else? Does she want to be my girlfriend?
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Sandy, 34, related her experience from several years ago. "We were spending so much time together that I could not imagine it was even possible that he was seeing anyone else. I was definitely surprised to find that he was not just seeing one other person, but at least two others!" Although Sandy was disappointed, she realized that he had never actually suggested she was the only one and she had not pressed to find out. "He wasn't exactly the settling down type at the time, and I knew it. I sort of got what I had bargained for. In retrospect, I wish I had talked with him about what was going on because I could have stopped wasting my time much sooner!"
Related: Are You Expecting Too Much?
Her next boyfriend, however, was totally different. "We never talked about it. We were together from the very beginning and we knew there was no one else. We just clicked." Sandy admitted that there were still some moments of uncertainty but she trusted him, partially because he was always open and direct in every aspect of his life. "It felt completely different from the previous guy - I had a real sensation of security and he did, too."
If you are in a new relationship and you are trying to decide whether to bring up your relationship status, examine the following seven questions:
1. Who is the person you are dating? How much do you know about him or her?
Related: Opposites May Attract, But Can They Last?
2. Does your date act with integrity and honesty in other areas of life? This can be a good indication of how he/she might act in a relationship.
3. Do you feel there are often lots of missing details? If it seems like there are information gaps, be wary. Maria's ex hid even the minutest things like going to the movies...it won't come as a surprise that he kept much bigger secrets, too!
Related: How to Avoid a Cheater: Watch for these 5 Red Flags
4. How long have you been dating? Relationships move at different speeds, but if it has been one week, it's definitely not time to talk! If you have been dating for a few months and you are still not sure whether other people are in the picture, then your timing is just fine.
5. Are you prepared for any potential outcome? This is really the question that gets to the root of why this is such a big issue. It's terrifying to feel that bringing your relationship up might end it. Be ready for that, be ready for exclusivity, and be ready for anything in between.
6. What do YOU want? This is the most important question to ask yourself. It is so easy to fall into believing you want to be in a relationship because that's generally what society tells us we should desire. However, it's usually better to be happily single than miserably coupled, particularly since there might be someone else right around the corner. Determine first and foremost whether you want to be exclusive because if you bring it up, you just might end up in a relationship!
Related: Don't Lose Yourself in Loving Him: 3 Must-Dos
7. Know where you draw the line. If you want to be exclusive but the feeling is not yet mutual, then it might be time to say goodbye. Determine your limits ahead of time.
This is certainly not an exhaustive list of questions to ask yourself before deciding whether to bring up your relationship status, but it is a starting point. If you begin to feel uncomfortable with any of the answers, don't rush into the conversation. Spend some more time together and pay close attention to whether your uneasiness subsides.
If, on the other hand, you had been leaning towards not questioning your status outwardly, the first three questions are where to focus your energy first. Although unfortunately there are sometimes people who manage to deceive everyone around them, if you feel terrific when answering #1-#3, then it is likely you two are on the same page. If you feel confident in the relationship, there is no reason to bring it up unless you want to.
Be prepared to have friends question the wisdom in holding back. Some people truly believe that having an open discussion is a must in order to solidify the relationship. There is a reason this topic comes up time and time again, particularly between girlfriends - there really may not be one answer that applies across the board!
Must you have "the talk" or can you just trust you're together because it feels like it?
Rosie Munger might need a reminder to revisit these questions in a few months when she, like many others, may have to evaluate whether to have "the define the relationship talk."
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