The Truth About Sex Addiction

By Sarah Jio

Sex addiction: It seems to be the diagnosis of the moment, doesn't it? Suddenly, when celebrities are caught cheating on their spouse, they admit to being a "sex addict" and then disappear (à la Tiger Woods) for a month at a fancy rehabilitation center. You may be wondering: Is sex addiction real or just a cop-out for selfish behavior? Is it becoming increasingly common? What makes someone a sex addict? We spoke to experts to get the facts on this often-confusing condition.

Truth #1: There are specific criteria for diagnosis of sex addiction.
How can you tell if you, or someone you love, is a sex addict? "Sexual addiction, like any addiction, is diagnosed via in-depth interviews and the use of assessment instruments specifically designed to determine if a person meets the criteria for sexual addiction," says Connie Stapleton, PhD, a licensed psychologist and author in Augusta, Georgia. In her practice, she says, answering "yes" to the following question may indicate sex-addict behavior: "Has your sexual behavior caused problems in your life-for example, negatively affected your personal relationships, resulted in legal charges, resulted in termination from your job-and if so, have you continued the behavior, knowing the problems were caused by, or made worse by your engaging in that behavior?"

Dr. Stapleton says signs of sex addiction may also include chronic masturbation, participation in anonymous sex, exhibiting oneself for money, selling sex, voyeuristic behavior, paying for sex, excessive flirting or seductive behavior, multiple affairs, having sex with "inappropriate" persons such as one's dentist or boss, consistent use of pornography and engaging in phone or computer sex-especially with strangers.

Truth #2: Sex addiction is real, but unrecognized in the textbook sense.
Though it's not formally recognized as an "addiction" in medical textbooks, most health experts concur that sexual addiction is a real and debilitating condition. "As a licensed psychologist with additional certifications in alcohol, drug and sex addiction, I wholeheartedly believe that sex addiction is a very real thing," says Dr. Stapleton. She cites a long list of studies that have explored the existence and validity of this condition. "Research clearly acknowledges sexual addiction."

Truth #3: Infidelity does not always equate to sex addiction.
He may have cheated on you, but it doesn't make him a sex addict, say experts. "Sex addiction seems to be the diagnosis du jour," says Jonathan Alpert, a New York City-based psychotherapist and author of "No More Drama," an advice column appearing in various Metro newspapers. "Our society and culture has the tendency to label every celebrity who cheats a 'sex addict.' It's important to make the distinction between someone who truly has a problem and someone who just made a mistake." Sex addiction, in contrast, is characterized by the inability to control sexual impulses. "It's important to distinguish between someone who just has poor judgment and makes a mistake-an isolated case of infidelity-and someone who has a genuine problem controlling sexual impulses," he says.

Truth #4: Just like with a drug, some people use sex to numb pain.
Some alcoholics talk of drinking away their sorrows. Drug addicts, in some cases, turn to substances to ease pain. And the same thing is true of sex addicts, says Alpert. "Similar to drugs and alcohol, sex might be used to numb feelings of depression and anxiety, and to achieve a high," he explains, noting that, just like with drug addicts, sex addicts often, over time, feel the need to have more frequent and intense sex to achieve the same level of satisfaction. "In my practice, I see a lot of clients for sex addiction," he continues, "including a wave of them in the fall of 2008 when the economy crashed-Wall Street guys who were losing their jobs left and right, and yet spent money recklessly on sex to cope-proof that sex, like drugs and alcohol, is used to numb feelings of anxiety and depression."

Sex addicts, adds Debra Laino, DHS, MS, a board-certified sex therapist in private practice in Wilmington, Delaware, often use sexuality to boost their self-esteem and reduce anxiety. While it can work, temporarily, to alleviate these symptoms, an inappropriate or risky sexual encounter creates a "negative feedback loop," she says, "where after the individual takes part in the behavior there is a level of guilt they feel and the only thing that takes it away is more sex."

Truth #5: Sex addiction is becoming easier to fall into, thanks to technology.
Facebook, text messaging and e-mail are used by most Americans, but for some, technology can be a trigger for sexual addiction (just think of Tiger Woods' now-infamous alleged text messages to his mistresses). "Technology has made sex more accessible, and as a result, can fuel sex addiction," says Alpert. This doesn't make technology evil, of course, but it can be a trigger for someone who already has impulse-control issues related to sex. "The Internet and other technology enhance the ritualistic component of sex addiction," he explains. "Cruising online and covertly arranging a rendezvous sometimes provides more of a thrill to the addict than the actual sexual act."

Truth #6: Sex addiction destroys marriages-and families.
"Sex addiction very often leads to divorce," says Dr. Stapleton. "People all too often spread diseases to innocent partners. A number of people end up losing jobs as a result of viewing pornography on their computers at work." Ronald Frederick, LP, PhD, a psychologist practicing in Minneapolis and the founder of the Center for Courageous Living adds, "Right now I'm dealing with a couple in which one of the partners was acting out sexually for two years without the other knowing. His spouse is shocked to have been so unaware, extremely sad, angry and finding it hard to trust. It's not clear whether they will be able to get back on track."

But the real victims? The children of a sex-addicted parent, says Dr. Stapleton. "Very often, kids find the parent's pornography, whether it is the form of magazines or sites saved on the computer. Children can become confused about sex, seeing images that portray dangerous or painful depictions of sex, and then hearing about the sacred nature of the sex act between two people who love one another when their sex-addicted parent takes them to church on Sunday or preaches the message to them at home. Kids hear their parents fighting about infidelity or how much time one spends on the computer or about the lack of intimacy in their relationship. It's really tragic to see how addiction damages so many lives."

Truth #7: Sex addiction is becoming more common.
Does it seem like sex addiction is becoming more prevalent? That's because it is, says Dr. Frederick. "It seems that the number of people seeking therapy for sexual addiction has increased," he says. "Three to six percent of the population is believed to suffer from sexual addiction, but, due to the stigma and people not seeking treatment, this statistic may be an underestimate." Furthermore, most of the people found to have this condition are in fact men. According to research by sex addiction expert Patrick Carnes, PhD, only 20 to 25 percent of sex addiction sufferers are women.

Truth #8: Sex addiction is treatable.
If you suspect that you, or your spouse, are a sex addict, there is hope. "People should see an expert trained in treating sexual disorders," says Dr. Frederick. "A list of appropriate therapists can be found through the Society for Sex Therapy and Research." He recommends both individual and group therapy, such as 12-step programs for recovery from sex addiction, as well as medication. "Treatment may also involve psychiatric medications such as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors like Prozac or Paxil to control impulsive or compulsive behaviors; a mood stabilizer like lithium can also help with impulse control."

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