The Top 10 Complaints from Unhappy Husbands

And how you can attack the issues together. By Cathy Garrard, REDBOOK.

1. "I wish she'd appreciate me a little more, like by being affectionate when I come home instead of greeting me with the list of stuff I didn't take care of and the things I didn't do right. I know it's tough for her dealing with the house and kids, but there's never an acknowledgement that I just spent all day working and took a crowded train home." - Jim Jim B., 46, married 21 years

The expert says: Whether you work in an office, run a household, or some combination of the two, you're both likely frustrated with your heaping plates of responsibility. And although it's a natural reaction, piling on more the second your partner steps through the door is not the best way to get him to hear or help you. "Instead of leading with a list, understand that he may need a few minutes to unwind," says Kara Thompson, a licensed family and marriage therapist in Lenexa, KS. You'll both listen better when you've decompressed and can actually focus on the issues at hand.

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2. "When you're dating, it's all about having fun together. But so much of that goes away once you're married. It would be nice if we could collaborate to have some fun together. I guess the problem is that we're both beaten down by responsibility, and she thinks I should make the plans. Yes, it would be more romantic for her if I planned something, but the feeling goes both ways." -Christian H., 39, married six years

The expert says: Good news: If you both feel like you need more one-on-one time, you're already on the same page, which means you're well on your way. The next step is to stop keeping a mental score sheet of who made plans the last time and put it on both of you to jump at the opportunity to, say, see a band you like when they perform nearby or try a new restaurant with an innovative menu. In the end, it matters way less who dealt with the logistics than the fact that you bonded and enjoyed your time together.

3. "I know I'm at fault too, and that I sometimes take her for granted, but I resent my wife for always being the responsible one. She's just trying to be good mom, but it would be nice to have a normal conversation about life, and not just about the drama surrounding my daughter's audition for the school play, for instance." - Daniel O., 42, married 14 years

The expert says: There's no question that having an open dialogue about your children is important, but we understand that it can get tedious after a while. Once the kids go to bed or while they're out at weekend activities, make an effort to chat about lighthearted topics, like the results of a Buzzfeed quiz you both took, as well as more serious news or political issues to keep you connected and stimulated as a couple.

4. "I've been referred to by more than one woman as an incurable romantic. I once kidnapped the woman I was dating and told her that the next week would be spent in Jamaica. I enjoy sitting on the sofa in front of the fireplace watching romantic old movies. The night doesn't have to end in bed for me to be happy. Unfortunately, my wife is no longer romantic, and I feel like my best quality is unappreciated." - Mark H., 49, married 26 years

The expert says: Relationships change and evolve, and sometimes the very qualities that attracted you to your husband are the ones that wind up making you nuts. It could be that you're simply too stressed with the day-to-day to experience romance the same way--and that's okay. The key is to come to a collective understanding of what sweet gestures now do it for you. A change of environment may do it--consider taking a break from the grind and going away for a long weekend.

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5. "My wife was more voracious and sexually experienced than me when we first met, but once we moved in together, it's like she flipped the switch to off. After seeing a therapist, she finally acknowledged that she wanted me to think she was a vixen so I'd fall in love with her. But then I asked her, 'Did you ever think about what you might do if it worked?' If you make--and accept--a vow of sexual fidelity, then cut off the sex once the deal's done, is it realistic to expect your partner to be okay with that?" - David K., 33, married four years

The expert says: "Switches don't just get turned off," says Thompson. "There is usually something more going on in situations like this." If you felt like you had to put on a mask to get your husband to marry you, you may want to examine what's beneath the surface that made you feel that way. "When individual issues come up in therapy, I think it's important for both partners to look at them together."

6. "I thought I was being the good guy by letting her make all the decisions at home about what we eat, how we decorate the house, and when we started our family, but I've since realized that it's one of the reasons why she's fed up with me." - Evan K., 31, married four years

The expert says: If you're unhappy about how much your husband helps out around the house, make sure you understand where he's coming from. What you see as slacking may be his thinking a hands-off approach is a sign of respect and trust. "Speak up and let him know when his help would be appreciated," says Thompson. And on the flip side, if you have trouble letting go of doing every single thing, ask yourself what it would look like if you started to delegate. Would it really be so bad if the dishwasher was loaded differently, or would you end up with clean plates anyway?

7. "My wife became increasingly religious after we got married, and she now has a very high standard of what being a "good enough" Christian is. I try to do all of those things for her, but it's never enough. I feel cut off emotionally and turned off sexually because I don't think I can ever live up to her expectations. How can you act like you love someone when they don't hold you in enough respect to consider you an equal?" - Ken W., 49, married 12 years

The expert says: If one person's faith is diverging from the other's beliefs, make a joint effort to stay on the same page--or at least close chapters--as much as possible. "If you feel like his spiritual efforts aren't good enough, you need to be honest with yourself and your husband," says Thompson. Figure out what he can do to connect with you spiritually and otherwise, and consider enlisting the help of your religious leader, who's likely dealt with issues like this before.

Related: 8 Phrases That End a Relationship Fight

8. "I care for my wife, but there is absolutely no intimacy in my marriage, and there hasn't been for five years. It's become a platonic arrangement, which she doesn't seem to feel is a problem. We've discussed it many times, and in her mind, there's nothing wrong with a nonsexual relationship. So she's not interested, and I'm certainly not going to force myself on her. There's no turn-on for me if both people aren't into it, but I wish she'd be open to the possibility again." - Mike S., 44, married 18 years

The expert says: Both you and your husband deserve equal say in your marriage, so it shouldn't be up to one person to determine your sexual state as a couple. That's partially because far more often than not, lack of sex is the symptom--not the problem. "When you get into a pattern for a really long time, it can be painful and difficult to change those habits," says Thompson. If you're dealing with a chasm this wide, it's worth considering couples counseling.

9. "Men today are expected to be in tune with their wives emotionally, and to express their own emotions better. But when the stressors of a marriage hit, my wife has a tendency to turn inward and expect me to take care of her. I wish that she acknowledged that I, too, am stressed, grieving, or scared. It's taxing to be the primary supporter, and sad to me when I have to turn to friends or family for empathy I should be able to get at home." - Joseph K., 43, married five years

The expert says: It's human nature to occasionally get so wrapped up in your own issues that it's difficult to see someone else's perspective. "When we protect ourselves, we feel like we are the only one who feel a certain way," says Thompson. "But once you sit down together and start looking at yourselves and how you've been impacted, most partners realize they feel the exact same way." Voice your feelings of isolation before the next crisis comes up so you have a plan in place for when things get tough, like agreeing to take a few hours for yourself, then sitting down for a cup of coffee and a heart-to-heart.

10. "My wife is a teacher and brings a lot of work home with her--planning lessons and thinking of ways to help her students--but she neglects things that are happening in her own home. It makes our marriage feel one-sided. I've even helped her grade papers and create projects and presentations in an effort to be together. I understand that a demanding job requires more than 40 hours per week. But the project will end, the students will graduate, the client will outgrow your services. Your marriage is until death do you part." - Matt F., 26, married eight months

The expert says: Being passionate about and invested in your career is a good thing, but like much else, it's a question of balance. You may not suddenly be able to give up working from home or checking in with your boss via email, but you can set some basic guidelines that distinguish between personal and professional time. That might mean agreeing to after-hours tasks only every other day, or turning off your email alerts after 9 p.m. so you and your husband can give each other your undivided attention.

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