Turn Her Off: The Worst Sex Tips from Men’s Magazines
Let's be honest: Cosmo is, at best, a joke of a publication. I mean, did you see this month's main headline: "Untamed Va-jay-jays: Guess Which Sexy Style Is Back"? (We can finally let them run free again, ladies!) Garbage like that gives the rest of women's magazines a bad name, even though publications geared toward men aren't much better. Take Men's Health, for example, which routinely publishes articles titled "'Must-Know' Facts About Your Member" and "Why Men Cry." It doesn't have quite the reputation that Cosmo does, but if you look closely, it's actually just as ridiculous-especially when it comes to sex advice.
Cosmo's certainly guilty of recycling the same 101 ways to please your man every month, but at least those tips are occasionally useful (the Rock-Him Hula has merit, people), even if they are mostly laughable. But open up any Men's Health magazine and you're likely to read advice, such as these tidbits below, that would send a woman running for the hills.
From "33 Simple Sex Tips to Turn Her On"
Blindfold Yourself. Many women who are insecure about their bodies stick to the missionary position because you can't see their bodies that way. If you really can't see her because your eyes are covered, she'll do a lot more with you, to you, and for you. [Yes, blindfolding yourself before she gets naked is sure to make any insecure woman feel better about herself.]
Make a Bedroom Burrito. While you're rolling around in bed, wrap her up in the sheet so she can't do anything with her arms (think burrito or straitjacket). Leave her head, shoulders, and lower legs uncovered. Now kiss every inch of exposed skin.
Wear Her Name. Women love to hear men use their names … Better still, write her name on your shoulder, your hand, or any place she'll have a chance of spotting it. It's a tattoo without pain-one that gives only pleasure. "It will make her laugh and think you're so adorable," says Davidson [a relationship expert, supposedly]. "It says, 'You matter.'"
Read: Ten Reasons Why Sex Is Good for You
From "Make Her Seduce You"
Buy her new shoes. Doing something terribly nice and out of the ordinary makes her want you more. And, even more important, it gives you a chance to work all of those sensitive nerve endings in her feet. When you check her for fit, linger around the tips of her toes. Don't be surprised if she kicks off her shoes as soon as you get home.
Stop telling her how much you love her legs. Women are weird this way. "If you say something nice about her breasts, she'll just wonder why you don't like her butt," says Pamela Regan, PhD, a psychologist at California State University in Los Angeles." [Women-we so crazy!] Go for general compliments. Tell her, "Your body is incredible."
From "The 30 Hottest Things to Say to a Naked Woman"
"I'll get the light." [Gee, that'll make us feel really hot.]
"Hungry? Stay right here. I'll go make you a burrito."
"Do you feel this, too?" ("This" being an incredible emotional euphoria.)
"Don't ever leave me." [Neediness is like Viagra for women, obviously.]
Read: Women's Magazines: Who's Evolving, Us or Them?
From "12 Ways to Have the Wild Sex She Craves"
Pop the question. Your approach can be either funny ("So, what do you say we go back to my place for milkshakes and Jenga?"); hesitant and humble ("I don't even know how to ask you this, but I would really love to be alone with you"); or straightforward and sweet ("Please, God, tell me that we can go home together").
How to bring her out of her sexual shell? Coax her. Tempt her. Tease her as if she were a cat chasing a feather on a string, advise our experts. [Are these experts by any chance thirteen-year-olds?] Give her a deep, sigh-inducing kiss-then stop. Or pull her close, press tight against her thigh, then move away.
Dance her pants off. "Take her ironic dancing," suggests Nicole Beland, the Men's Health Girl Next Door. Go somewhere ridiculous: senior night at a ballroom-dancing club; line dancing, if you both hate country music; a '70s disco joint." [Seriously, how would any of this lead to wild sex?]
Read: What His Favorite Sexual Position Says About Him
From "Make Her Swoon"
Ask to see a picture of her when she was a child.
Hug her when she gets jealous. Hug her hard. [Don't acknowledge the problem. Just hug it away.]
Give her jewelry.
Send her something in the mail. Anything. [It just doesn't take much to please us, does it?]
If she's too stressed to want sex … ask her if she wants to wrestle.
After reading what Men's Health thinks women want, I can't help but ask myself the same question men must ask themselves after reading Cosmo: who the hell's writing this stuff? Seduction and sex needn't ever be this immature, stereotypical, and downright creepy. Although, these tips might work for the kind of people who read Men's Health for dating advice, since they probably end up with women who consider Cosmo a sexual bible, anyway. I'm sure they'll make beautiful bedroom burritos together.
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