Under the Cover Jitters: Find Out What to do When the Lights Go Out
By Lori Bizocco
Many single women complain that the biggest factor preventing them from having a healthy, long-term relationship is lack of communication or openness with a potential partner before they take the relationship to the bedroom. Being intimate before getting to know one another or prior to discussing the couple's long-term potential, can bring out a whole set of fears and behaviors that leave people scarred or afraid to get involved with someone again. Whether it's sexual performance or emotional abandonment, the rules are the same; a healthy relationship has a better chance of success when established communication patterns are in place.
"Being open and honest about your expectations and fears needs to happen from the very beginning of the relationship," says Steve Gavatorta, Master Communication Coach and creator of The Reach Out Approach. Remember, it's more difficult to see a person and watch their body language in the dark, so you need to know the person well or help guide them verbally to your thoughts and feelings.
However, this issue isn't limited to those who just started dating. According to divorced couples, the number one reason that their marriage fails is also due to poor communication. If you need to boost your confidence level when the lights go out, here are a few ideas that may help:
Plan Ahead
Sometimes, spontaneity in the bedroom is not the best way to start a new relationship. Plan your next date with the expectation that there will be a sleep over instead. There's nothing wrong with thinking ahead about the next rendezvous. This gives you the opportunity to pack away your favorite lingerie, and scented candles to set up throughout the room. Having a vision of the evening could give you the boost of confidence you need to make it a successful night.
Laugh at Yourself
Humor is often the best solution when you're in a situation that feels uncomfortable. Gavatorta recommends finding a reason to laugh at yourself. He says that self-deprecating humor shows strength because "those who are willing to poke a bit of fun at themselves are the ones who really feel most confident." Often times, laughter becomes an icebreaker and can leave both people feeling more vulnerable and at ease.
Seek Guidance
When discomfort or lack of confidence is getting in the way of having a healthy relationship, it could be time to seek help from a counselor or therapist who specializes in these types of issues. By figuring out the root of the problem, it can help lead to better communication, not just with a lover but with your family and friends as well.
One of the worst things that a person can do after a bad evening is to avoid the other person. You may save yourself from embarrassment but in reality, you've just cut yourself off from learning how to rectify and communicate the next time you're in a relationship. Take a deep breath and confront the other person. It's easier to talk about things with someone you know then to start all over with someone new.
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