User post: Are You Showing Up?

I have always wondered about this chore called the "honey-do list"; the list that women give their men to delegate the household chores that they periodically need completed. Trees need trimmed, yards need mowed, and pictures need hanging but what about the items that don't make the written to-do list?

I have never given a honey-do list, although I have made plenty "Dad can you do this?" calls. My dad was always a handy man who could install a wall shelf or build that desk without giving two thoughts to it. For my mom I grew up watching him installing appliances, maintaining cars, and just always being there to get for us what we needed (like the time I forgot a dance costume and he drove all the way home to get it for me just in time for the curtain to go up). But I always wondered if there was an unwritten list of emotional to-dos that men provided for women; the emotional connections or the helpful hints to make life a little better.

We all have that checklist of what we want and require in a significant other. Tall, nice smile, good kisser and hard working are a definite few on mine. But I will admit to having an unwritten checklist of what I am looking for in a man. This list is more emotional and thought based than the first. It includes emotional attachment to pets, opening doors, good mornings and good nights. When the air has a bit of chill in it and he tells me I might want a jacket (without me asking first), I feel like my best interest is at heart. This keeps me believing that men still want to make women happy. Some are just better at it than others. Is it because they put thought into it? Or are men inherently the helping kind?

I have dated a lot of different men. There have been rebels, flat out losers, work-aholics, good guys, and bad guys. And each time I've gone into a new relationship, I've always come out of it having let the bar fall much too low on my list of requirements. There is a new man, though, who seems to have everything right.

A true gentleman that has been so rare in the recent years and I wasn't even looking for him; he just sorta...showed up. Helpful on his own accord, and interested further than I expected. It sounds unusual, but there can be a lot of useful information gathered from a bowling date. There is opportunity for humor and and team work and you can tell a great amount by a man who cares enough to give helpful hints and cheerful praise. And while he was being helpful with his hints, I couldn't help but notice the other couples and families around us. There was a man praising his wife for the effort she was putting into her game but so thoughtfully showing her how to make it better and more successful for her score. But there was also another man so clearly uninterested in anything his wife and kids were doing. He was there in person but not showing up mentally.

We have so many items on our honey-do list, but do we account for the unwritten as well? Is it necessary for some lists to include "talk to me", or "help me because you want to not because I'm asking you to"? For me, the attention I'm receiving while out in public is a good indicator of whether there will be more and more items checked off my list.

In our relationships, are we showing up and crossing items off? Or do we call it in and leave our lists unchecked?