User post: Bitter Battles

I am being bombarded by a variety of mixed feelings. The ex is getting married next week and I am having a hard time dealing with it. I am ashamed that I am feeling so poorly about the whole sordid ordeal.

It has been years already since the separation and divorce. Years before that, the marriage had been systematically destroyed one heartbreaking piece by one heartbreaking piece.

I am confused? Why is it bothering me? Why am I angry and bitter about it now? Why do I feel as if my mind is caught up in some sort of war I am incapable of even fighting? I am battling thoughts about a situation that has absolutely nothing to do with me at all.

At the same time, I am thankful that it is not me standing next to him taking those vows. I am thankful I escaped(and sadly, yes, it was an escape) I am thrilled to have a bit of a peaceful mind again at never walking on egg shells again in my day to day living. Though I don't want him miserable (him being miserable tends to make him reach out and try to make me miserable again) I don't want him…well…happy.

That must be where the shame comes in. I am better than that-to not want another person to be happy. I have always held myself above that way of thinking. It has been a cruel slap in the face to realize I am not above it in the least. However much I do not wish him harm; neither do I wish him any sort of happiness. I have served myself a big heaping mound of bitter grapes just dripping with the smallest of thoughts. I am truly ashamed of it.

I am embarrassed by this constant idea that keeps weaseling its way up to the forefront of my brain: It should be me. There it is, right there, right out in the open for my eyes-all eyes to see. It should be me.

It isn't me. It may never be me. I have to face that.

I am being judgmental and I know it. I know I shouldn't be-yet I am fully aware that I am judging like I am the Queen of Judgingdom. I am shouting out in my Queendom, "How dare he? How dare he have everything he wants, everything I wanted all these years-when he broke all of us apart and laughed while he did it?" I am screaming to the courts and pointing it out in my own private world, "He doesn't deserve it! He should not have it easy. The joy should not be his"

My thinking is wrong. My feelings are my own, yet they are wrong too since they seem to be doing me more harm than good. I have to remind myself I am not any more perfect than he is. I just like to believe I am nicer most of the time. I guess I'm not.

I think of a conversation we had that upset me. He had been drinking and said, "I hate this happened and I hope someday I can say that I'll be glad that your happy. But I can't." And I realize I really am no better. I don't wish him happiness either. I don't wish him misery. I just wish he did not have what I have wanted my entire life.

I wish it were me sharing my life someone, looking towards a new future and eager to start the next part of the story. I have to stop thinking it shouldn't be him. I have to start thinking instead, it should be me too. Maybe someday it will be.

Just don't expect me to send a wedding gift.

Monika M. Basile