Warning: Do Not Use This App to Stalk Your Crush

Equala, the Equala, the By Chiara Atik for HowAboutWe

There's a new app on the market that claims to be a "gamechanger" in the realm of modern-day dating, though perhaps it would be more accurate to call it a "gamechanger" in the realm of somewhat sad internet stalking. The app's developers are in fact so sold on its effectiveness that the press release they sent had the subject line, "No More Steak Dinners!" Because now you can use music, not Outback Steakhouse, to win a man?

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Equala, available on iTunes and Android, apparently connects to your Facebook account and…somehow? gathers the music tastes of all the men you like (assuming, of course, that you're already friends with them on Facebook).

After that, you just follow these steps (quoted from the press release):

Get familiar with his top jams. Listen [to them] yourself (or at least, pretend to)

Pretend to listen to music? AKA look up the lyrics online? I dunno.

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Make sure you share on social media how awesomely amazing his favorite bands/songs are (discreetly, of course)

Discreetly tweet about how much you suddenly like Daft Punk. And HOPE that these men all follow you on Twitter.

When you see him next, use this musical insight as an icebreaker. For example, you cannot wait for their next show. You love the new single. You think their first album was absolutely epic in comparison to this one.


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"Oh my god, have you heard the new Daft Punk single, 'Get Lucky,' with Pharell and Nile? I love it. I cannot WAIT for their next show. But I think their first album was absolutely epic in comparison to this one."

And…that is literally all you have to do to score a date. According to this app, anyway. As the Press Release Genie assures us:

Hook, line, sinker. He will be interested. Music is the way into a dude's heart.

First off, if it were that easy (and I assure you, it is not that easy), I would have, like, 10 musical theater-loving boyfriends right now. ("Have you heard the new cast recording of 'The Last Five Years?' I think the first one was absolutely epic in comparison to this one.")

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Secondly, this app does absolutely nothing that you can't do on your own (AKA stalk his Facebook interests, lie about your taste in music, and attempt to manipulate a guy into liking you based on an inauthentic version of yourself.)

But thirdly, most obviously, most importantly: a fake mutual interest in a band is not the way to a guy's heart. Or a window into yours.

Steak is.

Duh.

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