What You Can Learn from Marriage Studies
It seems like you can't open up a newspaper, click on an online article or watch a morning TV show without hearing the results of a new study about relationships, marriage and divorce. But what are you supposed to do with all this information? While you can certainly glean good advice from the findings, it's not one-size-fits-all, says Sherry Amatenstein, a marriage therapist and author of The Complete Marriage Counselor: Relationship-Saving Advice from America's Top 50+ Couples Therapists. However, if a bit of research resonates with you, there are commonsense ways you can apply the messages to your relationship. Here, eight recent studies, and the marriage lessons you can learn from them.
1. Economic upheaval can bring you closer-or pull you apart. According to a new survey conducted by the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, the current recession is having a double-edged impact on American marriages. On the one hand, couples who are under financial stress report that it's hurt their marriages. For others, being worried about jobs, money and mortgages has fostered a stronger marital commitment.
The lesson: "I've seen couples who've gone both ways during times of economic stress," says Amatenstein. When times get tough, "try to remember that you're in this together." The outside world is your shared adversary, and something that you can face as a team.
2. Married couples are not nearly as good at communicating as they think they are. A University of Chicago study revealed that some of us are so inept at talking (and listening!) to our spouse that we may as well be speaking to a perfect stranger. The researchers suggest that everyday closeness may breed complacency; we think we understand each other, when in fact we get lazy at crafting our messages to each other and at really listening to our spouses.
The lesson: It's more important to understand than to be understood, says Michele Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting. "Try to improve communication by repeating back the gist of what your partner is saying in an effort to indicate that you 'got it.' That instills understanding and empathy."
3. Longtime married couples and newly-in-love pairs have similar brain chemistry. In a study that purports to show that love really can last, researchers at the State University of New York at Stony Brook took functional MRI scans of long-married couples as well as newer pairs. As the participants looked at photos of their significant others, key reward and motivation regions of the brain "lit up" on the scans, showing a similar chemistry between long-term and newly coupled pairs.
The lesson: Instead of mourning that long-gone tingly, new-relationship feeling, look forward to the deepening of your commitment as the years pass, says Amatenstein. "It's about trust, being cared for and caring, and being vulnerable. If you can get there, it's going to be better than the new feeling."
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4. Men who are economically supported by their wives are more likely to cheat. Sociologists at Cornell University have found that men who are financially dependent on their wives are more likely to be unfaithful, perhaps because they feel powerless. Interestingly, the opposite is true of women; economically dependent wives are more faithful than not.
The lesson: This could happen, cautions Amatenstein, but it's not always the case. The reason he might cheat is that his ego is so bruised by the mismatch in your incomes that he's looking to get a boost some other way. However, if your husband feels needed and wanted, and it's clear that you're both contributing to your family life, he's much less likely to stray.
5. Spouses don't grow more alike-they started out that way. At Michigan State University, researchers concluded that the old trope about husbands and wives becoming more alike over the years is probably false. It's more likely the case that we're initially attracted to a partner similar to ourselves, and that those shared outlooks and values become more pronounced over time.
The lesson: On the surface it seems that opposites attract-you may have been pulled in by the fact that your extroverted spouse draws introverted you out of your shell, for example. But "the things that keep a marriage together long-term are shared values, goals, sense of humor and outlook on life," says Amatenstein.
6. Spouses who are supportive of each other are happier…to a point. A series of studies at the University of Iowa found that couples who were good at cheerleading each other report having happier, more solid marriages. And yet, there's good support and not-so-useful support. For example, couples can't seem to get enough "self-esteem support" (assuming it's genuine), which is when you offer each other emotional encouragement. But too much "informational support," defined as an overload of unasked-for advice, can backfire.
The lesson: Always be sure the support you're offering your spouse is authentic (you truly do think he should go for that job or ask his boss for a raise). "If your partner can sense that you're just puffing him up, he'll end up resenting it," says Amatenstein. Remember: No one wants to be pitied! And in the case of informational support, be careful that you (or he) aren't piling on unsolicited advice, but are instead brainstorming solutions together.
7. Mismatched fighting styles may lead to divorce. No one needs a research study to predict the probable end of a marriage in which both spouses argue fruitlessly all the time. But what if one half of the couple wants to argue productively, and the other withdraws? Research from the University of Michigan says that this fighting style may be a predictor of bad days ahead. Here's what happens: A conflict arises, and one spouse is eager to discuss it, while the other would rather wait and cool down first. It may be, say researchers, that the partner ready to listen and talk sees her spouse's need to cool off as disinterest or withdrawal.
The lesson: "First, you have to understand that it is rare for both partners to have the same conflict-resolution style. If one spouse likes to attack the problem promptly and the other usually needs some time, they need to reach a compromise," says Weiner-Davis. "Sometimes, the partner needing space must push him or herself to tackle the problem immediately, and other times, the partner liking to put things to rest promptly needs to respect his or her partner's desire to cool off and wait awhile."
8. Sharing religious beliefs and practices is a good-marriage bonus. This may be a no-brainer-couples who share their faith, and practice it together, tend to have strong marriages, says research from the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia. What emerged as an interesting note was that while African-American couples tended to have lower overall levels of marital satisfaction, those couples with a shared religious view scored far better. It may be that the time spent together (at religious services, in prayer) as well as the shared values and outlook glue marriages together.
The lesson: "A couple always needs something beyond just the two of them that they share," says Amatenstein. If, for the two of you, faith fits the bill, great. If it's a source of tension-one of you is more devout than the other-be careful to keep it separate and find something else that you two can share.
Original article appeared on WomansDay.com
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