Why Guys Flirt when They Are in Relationships

by Gena Kaufman

Awww. A sweet young reader has just experienced a man situation that probably feels familiar to a lot of us. I know I've been there. Help her understand why it happened.

She writes:

I am just 18 and the guy that I like is 19. I have been talking to him for the last eight months or so. We're just friends, but he has also introduced me to his friends. We both have similar interests and generally get along really ??ell. He has tried to ask me out twice and has on two occasions nearly kissed me. He flirts, brushes himself next to me, and recently he did not like me talking to another guy. He told me how much he liked me and how beautiful my smile and eyes were.

At first I thought he was shy. I gave him my mobile number, but he allegedly dropped his new phone down the toilet. I then found out from a mutual friend that he has a girlfriend, whom he never mentioned at all. I feel awful, and he still flirts and gives the impression he likes me. I know deep down he will never ask me out, but I have felt used? Why did he do this?

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We could debate for hours why a guy would act interested in you in this situation, but that really isn't the point here. If we're going to guess, my two cents would be that he does indeed find you attractive, likes flirting with you because it boosts his confidence, and that he likes keeping other women interested in him in case his relationship with his girlfriend doesn't work out. But as you already know, I don't think he has any interest in ending his relationship or actually taking action to hook up with you behind his girlfriend's back (which is probably a good thing, though he's still being pretty shady).

But the more important thing to focus on here is ending your crush. He may like you, but he doesn't intend to date you. And furthermore, you shouldn't want him to. Although he's not actually cheating on his girlfriend (that you know of), he doesn't sound like he's exactly great relationship material, and I think that's what you're looking for eventually. He purposely tried to get you to think he was single, he's leading you on by flirting with you, and if for some reason you ever did wind up dating him, he'd probably act the same way with other girls.

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Like you said, you feel used, and I'm sorry because I know that stings. But the good news is you can walk away from this and find something better. And even though I think you're totally justified in having hurt feelings, it luckily didn't go so far as to become a disaster. You flirted, you developed a crush, but you didn't actually hook up with him before finding out he had a girlfriend. Phew! Now it's time to put your crush aside, minimize contact with this guy, and find a new guy who might actually be serious about getting to know you. Flirting with a man, even if it doesn't ultimately turn into something more serious, should be something that's fun and makes you feel good, not that ends with you feeling used. Forget this guy, please!

Have you ever had a guy do this to you? Any advice for our reader?

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