Why Men And Women Get Married
Today's marriages are reinterpreting the institution--and it's coming from both sides.
By Jenna Goudreau
Why get married at all? Women don't need providers and men don't need in-house procreators. Turns out, we both want to get married. But for very different reasons.
For all the young women who've chewed their nails to the skin anticipating a proposal, it may be a relief to know that, yes, men still want to get married. But there's a critical difference between the sexes. In broad terms, when a woman falls in love, just like the Trinity character in The Matrix, she knows he's The One. But a man's readiness can be seen as a life stage. To call on The Matrix again, a time when he's ready to take the red pill.
"He first needs to feel like he knows what he's doing in the world and where he's going," says John Gray, relationship counselor and author of the Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus books. "Women are more concerned about who they're going with."
"Historically men have been more eager to marry when they're financially secure, and women have wanted to marry when they wanted children," says Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist and author of Why Him? Why Her? Fisher calls it a "human male need" to provide for his wife, a desire that hearkens back to our hunter-and-gatherer days when the "dual-income family was the rule." She harvested the fruits and vegetables, and he brought home the meat.
Top 10 Traits Men Want In A Wife
Top 10 Traits Women Want In A Husband
But when the woman was pregnant or nurturing small children, she was vulnerable. It became the man's job to protect and provide for his family. Today, still, men do not feel ready for marriage until they can fulfill that historic role, albeit with career stability and a certain amount in the bank rather than a bison turning on the spit.
The real change is that now marriage readiness goes both ways. Gray says that he's observed a shift in marriage because of women's education and work. Women now receive 60% of college degrees and comprise half of the workforce. "When she has a good job, her security needs are met, and she looks for a man to provide emotional support," says Gray. Women are looking for partners who are romantic, supportive, good communicators and will be helpful on the home front, Gray says.
Researchers and sociology professors Christine B. Whelan at the University of Pittsburgh and Christie F. Boxer at the University of Iowa set out to find out what men and women look for in a spouse and uncovered this very trend. From a list of attractive traits, women ranked a man's desire for home and children at No. 4. In past decades they had ranked it much lower. In 1977, for example, it was No. 10.
Men's standards, too, have changed in what they find attractive in a potential wife. Until the 1960s men ranked a woman's education and intelligence at No. 11 on their lists of attractive qualities. Now men prioritize a woman's intelligence over her good looks, ranking it at No. 4 as compared to looks at No. 8.
Unlike the urban myth of husband-hunters like Sex and the City's Charlotte York, more women are delaying or forgoing marriage. According to the current population survey, the median age at first marriage in 2009 was 26 for women and 28 for men, up from 22 and 25 a century ago. Marriage historian Stephanie Coontz, a professor at the Evergreen State College in Olympia, Wash., says with more options, women are delaying marriage to pursue education and find the man they really love.
"It's only in the last 20 years that women have said they'd marry just for love," says Coontz. "It used to be that people were embarrassed to admit they loved their spouse, but now they're embarrassed to admit the other reasons for marriage."
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See the full list of the Top 10 Traits Men Want In A Wife:
No. 10: Ambition and Industriousness
Despite the pervasive stereotype that men are intimidated by ambitious women, men rank this trait ahead of others like refinement, being a good cook and having similar religious backgrounds. While it's not high on their list (No. 10 out of 18), it is clear that men find a woman's drive, determination and energy attractive qualities in a life partner.
No. 9: Desire for Home and Children
A woman's desire for home and children has become less attractive to men over time. In 1939, men ranked it at No. 6. As women have increasingly achieved similar levels of education and career status, men may have begun to perceive them as more equal partners. How to divide the labor of home and work isn't as obvious as it was to their grandparents' generation.
No. 8: Good Looks
Women's looks have become increasingly important to men over the years. The trait has jumped up seven spots, from No. 15 in 1956. (Looks did not make the top 10 list of what women want in a husband, but it has become more important to them over time too--jumping from No. 18 to No. 12). Perhaps because modern marriages are more likely based on love and attraction rather than practicalities (like wealth or status), physical attractiveness is more desirable.
Keep reading the Top 10 Traits Men Want In A Wife.
See also:
The Top 10 Traits Women Want In A Husband
Marriage: The Final Frontier
Even Perfect Women Get Divorced
Readers: Join reporter Jenna Goudreau on Wednesday, June 2, from 2-2:30 EST on Facebook for a live chat about modern marriages. Ask questions and tell us what you think about the changing institution of marriage via ForbesWoman on Facebook.
