Yes, You Can Move in with Your Boyfriend (and Not Break Up with Him)

Condé Nast Digital Studio
Condé Nast Digital Studio

By April Hussar,SELF magazine

In How to Move In With Your Boyfriend (and Not Break Up with Him), author Tiffany Current, a Los Angeles-based comedy writer who recently moved in with and then married the man of her dreams, explores the ins and outs of cohabitation. Think all move-ins must end in a move-out? Think again.

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First of all -- is moving in together before you get married even a good idea? Current says yes. "Moving in together is like going to Costco," says Current -- you want to sample the goods before you buy them in bulk. Current feels moving in together is a great way to make sure you and your partner are compatible before you take the next step of walking down the aisle. "It's much harder to break up with someone once you're married," she says with a laugh.

How do you know it's time to take your relationship from a toothbrush at his place to two toothbrushes at "our place"? According to Current, it depends on how long you've been together; she'd never recommend moving in with someone you've been seeing for less than at least six months.

"You want to make sure you're out of the bubble phase," she says, referring to the beginning stages of a relationship when everything's hunky-dory because you're both putting your best feet forward. Current says, "Eventually, the bubble bursts, and that's when you get to know the real person ... all their faults included."

OK, so, you've seen his Star Wars collection, he's met your quirky best friend and you still love each other and want to share a condo. Now what? How do you avoid the most common fights that will eventually end with you arguing about who gets the Crock-Pot and the dog?

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"TALK," says Current. "Talk about why you're moving in together before you move in together." Make sure you're both on the same page when it comes to what this step means -- is it a prelude to eventual marriage or just a way, for now, to save on rent? If it is as a prelude to marriage, talk about what your mutual hopes and expectations are so that it doesn't become a source of confusion and resentment when he doesn't pop the question after a few months, or when you start researching grad schools on the opposite coast.

Talk about the little things too, because those daily chores and domestic duties are what Current says cause most of the fighting once the glee of hosting your first dinner party together wears off (and you realize you have all those dishes to do).

"Everyone has different level of cleanliness," Current says, laughing that she had no idea how messy her husband was before they moved in together. "It was a shock!" Talk about how clean you want to keep the apartment, what chores will have to be done and how you're going to split them up. Simple, but important.

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Something else you need to talk about? "There's a reason why people say money is the root of all evil," says Current. "Money matters can put a lot of strain on your relationship, and everyone has different habits when it comes to finances." Make sure you're clear before you move in together about how much debt each of you has, how you're going to split up costs, who's responsible for actually mailing in the checks and that you can both afford your share. Romantic? Maybe not, but if you deal with money up front, hopefully there won't be any stressful, nasty surprises down the road. "The last thing you want to do is move in with someone and find out they have no money," says Current. Indeed!

Finally, the big topic: S-E-X. Is it doomed to go from hot and heavy to "fall asleep in front of the TV together, yet again"?

"Before you're living together, you have to make more of an effort to have sex," but when you move in together, you're, well, right there, says Current. Easy access, yes, but that availability can breed apathy. "Eventually he can turn into your roommate and not your lover," warns Current. Relationship death knell!

The solution? Work it! "You have to make an effort to keep it interesting," says Current. "Go back to the beginning of your relationship, when you first started dating -- that first flush of excitement, when you were making an effort." Send naughty text messages in the middle of the day, plan date nights and, if you have any hope of keeping the fires burning, don't wear your sweats every single night. "You don't have to put in that effort 24 hours a day, because that would be exhausting," says Current. But keep up the work of making things special, and reap your rewards.

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