You may be dressed for sex and not even know it

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Men's Health has a new feature titled "Is She Dressed for Sex? Decode her outfit to determine if she wants you to take it off." It creepily calls to mind the horrid date-rape defense, "If she wasn't asking for it then why did she dress that way?" Somehow they've managed to wrangle actual psychologists and other impressive-sounding people with doctorates to discuss this topic seriously, with references to the famous 0.7 waist-to-hip ratio that studies have shown drives men wild and the butt-enhancing effect of heels. (You have to click on each outfit in the left hand sidebar to read its "analysis.") Yes, it's true, we women sometimes like to dress sexy. But basically, the article boils down to this reductionist drivel:

Belted Dress or Skirt = I'm an old-fashioned girl who likes you to hold the door open and cover mud puddles with your jacket, and who won't mind eventually being barefoot and pregnant while you visit your mistresses.

Revealing V-Neck Top = My ovaries are slutty during ovulation, ergo I am a slut right now, so take full advantage, just bring the condoms because while deep down I want you to be the father of my child I know you don't want to be a baby daddy.

High Heels = Take me somewhere fancy, but don't expect me to walk there, because walking is hard. Then, I'll do you in my heels.

Something Red = I'm a narcissistic egomaniac who needs constant approval from others, so tell me I'm the "best looking woman in the place" and I'll sleep with you.

A Snug, Soft Sweater = I'm a soft, gentle, feminine girl who likes cuddles and unicorns, so if you don't mind sharing my bed with my teddy bear collection, I'm all yours. No spanking or BDSM, please.

A Top That Reveals My Bra Strap = I'm a clever, clever girl who sneakily is revealing her underwear on purpose to trick you into wanting to sleep with me. I can't believe how often this works!


Discover 16 sneaky ways women actually go about seducing men.

So we thought we'd take the same outfits and offer you some alternative translations for a parallel universe known as reality:

Belted Dress or Skirt = The damn zipper on this skirt just broke and I'm trying to keep from dropping trou while I give this PowerPoint presentation.

Revealing V-Neck Top = I'm nursing and need to give my baby easy access to his/her food source.

High Heels = You're too tall and kissing you gives me a neck cramp.

Something Red = They didn't have my size in black.

A Snug, Soft Sweater = I'm chilly.

A Top That Reveals My Bra Strap = When I tried this cheap sale item on at the discount store, I didn't realize how poorly it fit. I knew it was too good a bargain to be wearable. I'm burning it when I get home.

Beyond a slutty outfit, here's what men really find sexy about women.