The Nine Rooms of Happiness: Q&A with authors Lucy Danziger and Catherine Birndorf

In a culture hung up on happiness quick fixes, The Nine Rooms of Happiness is a breath of fresh air. This thoughtful book goes through the house of your life, room by room, with ways to clear the clutter. But it's also a book that acknowledges the realities of a real, messy, full life and encourages us to "get over life's little imperfections." Here we talk with authors Lucy Danziger, editor-in-chief of Self magazine and Catherine Birndorf, M.D., a women's health psychiatrist, on finding our passions, the most cluttered "rooms," and how to make peace with the mess.

Why the house metaphor?


We found that thinking about rooms in a house worked well to help women create an organizational template for their emotional lives. It's easy to picture a house with many rooms in your mind. And it helps create distinct places (rooms) to put your problems. I find that women can be easily overwhelmed by all the things bothering them, but when you can separate them out and place them in "rooms", it becomes easier to handle.

In writing the book, what "room" did most women seem to struggle with and what were some of the ways they could get that room in order?

One of the most problematic rooms for women of all ages is the living room, where we deal with our social lives, friendships, neighbors. The living room can be fraught with issues, like feeling unhappy because a friend is mad at you, or feeling upset that your neighbor just bought the car that you've wanted, or always being the one to have people over and feeling taken advantage of (we dub the living room "the giving room" in a case like this!) As in all rooms, once you identify what's bringing you down (or the issue at hand), you can figure out the key process that is going on there...like in the case of always doing for others: "too much of a good thing is a bad thing." While being gracious and generous with friends is a wonderful quality, it can be too much, leaving you depleted, resentful and unhappy. As we say in the book, you have to know and respect your limits (listen to your inner voice!). And as the airlines say upon take-off: make sure you put your oxygen mask on first, before helping others." It's not selfish, it's self-preserving.

Is it realistic to think we can have our entire "house" in order? Will there always be certain rooms or areas of our lives that get short shrift?

It's not realistic to think everything in your emotional house can be in order all at once. There is almost always something simmering in one room or another (if you are a thinking, reflective person). That's why we advocate shutting "doors" when you can't solve a problem or feel overwhelmed by one area of your life, yet still have lots of great things going on. We aren't saying ignore the problem forever, but being preoccupied with something that can't be "fixed" at a certain moment, can strip you of the possibility of enjoying life in other rooms. When you have the time and inclination, you can go deal with what's behind that closed door...and give it your full attention. That way, you can enjoy the good parts of your life, even if some areas aren't perfect.

What are some of the ways we can find the larger passions and purpose in our lives that make returning to the rest of our house a pleasure, no matter what mess awaits?

The answer to this question lies in each of our "tenth rooms"...that place where we can think, find clarity, feel inner calm. This "room" is rarely an actual room, though some woman told us about their art studios, their closets, or their writing nooks. Often we are in our tenth room when walking, biking, baking or drawing. Everyone needs this personal space...to be alone with themselves and their thoughts, and hopefully to recharge. It's here where we can contemplate the greater meaning of our lives. We think that spending some amount of time in your tenth room daily makes the typical messes in the house easier to handle. And once you have that peace of mind, you can better appreciate (and even enjoy) the mess that once felt overwhelming.

Read more life-improving ideas on Real-Life Makeover:
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